A Rabbi walks into a bar. He has a long, long grey beard, he's wearing tzitzis, the whole package. And he has a frog on his shoulder. The bartender asks, "Where did you get that?!" The frog answers, "Brooklyn, there are lots of them there."
There was a man who spent his entire life looking for leniencies in all aspects of halacha (Jewish law) – whatever it was, he would search around until he found a rabbi who had a more lenient opinion he could rely on. If it worked “according to some opinions” then it worked for him! After 120 years, he came up to Heaven. The Heavenly Court looked at the man’s life record and said, “Well, you certainly did everything that was asked of you. Angels, please take this man straight to Gan Eden!” The man expecting nothing less.
The angels escorted him straight into the Gates of Heaven and led him to a small room. It was a dark, damp cell, with a table and one small candle! The man was shocked and quickly looked at the angels and asked in horror, “This is Heaven???” The angels looked at him with a smile and said, “According to some opinions.”
A man wants to build a house, so he goes to the rabbi and asks him how. The rabbi says “Im glad you asked me that. There is actually a whole gemorah about it!” So they go through the gemorah, the man makes notes, and he then builds a house exactly as the gemorah has specified. The house stands for a day, and then collapses. The man goes running back to the Rabbi and asks him what happened. The rabbi says “Ah, Tosefos asks that question!”
A woman says to her husband “you don’t tell me what you think about me”. The husband replies “A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K”. She demands an explanation. He says “you’re Amazing, Baleboste, Clever, Delightful, Enthusiastic, Frum, Geshmack and Heimish”. She replies “what’s I,J,K?”He says “I’m Just Kidding!”
