For all readers without sensitive five-year-old children, please don’t stop reading. This question isn’t only about a little boy and a choice of shirts. The issue it raises is one that affects all ages — even adults.
I remember being present when a rebbi ran into the parent of one of his students. “How’s it going with Dovid?” he asked.
The parent sighed. “Not bad on the whole. I guess I need to learn to pick my battles.”
The rebbi raised an eyebrow. “Why are you battling your kids?”
This encounter made me think. As parents, we are obligated to teach our children between right and wrong and guide them toward the Torah path. While there will inevitably be times when children disobey and do things we don’t like, we should never see our relationship with them as a conflict we’re looking to win. In most cases, we can work with them rather than against them. It’s important to remember that they are the last people we want to “battle.”
Avoiding a battle will often mean showing flexibility, which is a positive trait when used correctly. If we feel compelled or pressured into backing down or changing the rules, it may not be appropriate to do so. In order for parents to be flexible appropriately, they must also be honest about their motivations. The areas where ego gets involved are often the ones that generate the most tension. In fact, when a parent feels personally offended by a child’s disobedience, it’s usually a sign that the ego may need to take a step back.
Being overly controlling of our children is problematic not only because it causes unnecessary friction, but also because it turns otherwise good children into disobedient ones. While we don’t need to pick “battles,” we can and should try to limit the number and type of issues where we have to put our foot down and insist on compliance. And even then, there are ways of putting a foot down that don’t involve warfare.
