Having now examined the extremes, let’s now turn to the middle ground, the path of moderation. How can we show sensitivity to our children without putting the reins in their hands? How can we accustom them to discipline so that they learn self-discipline, without being overbearing?
In your particular case, what happens in the event that all three shirts your son likes are in the laundry? Should you wash them now, to accommodate him, even if it’s not laundry day?
The best option in such a situation is to first show the child that you and he are on the same team, that you both want what’s best for him. Before anything else, tell him, “I wish I could have your favorite shirt ready for you by the morning. I know how much you like it.”
Then, and only then, should you add, “Those three shirts you like are all in the laundry right now. So, you can either wear the shirt you wore today again tomorrow, or wear something from the closet. I love when you have what you like, yet I won’t be able to wash those three shirts until tomorrow. But I’m happy that you’ll be able to wear your favorite shirt again the day after tomorrow.”
The success of almost any message you want to communicate depends not only on knowing what to say, but when to say it. Don’t wait until it’s time to get dressed for school and your child is gearing up for a tantrum. Preempt him the afternoon before and present him with the situation in a relatively calm moment.
When you choose the timing and have already made up your mind which approach you’re going to take, it’s much easier to resist the inevitable nagging and complaining. Children don’t, in general, nag because they are “difficult” or demanding. They nag because they think it will get them somewhere.
Notice that children don’t nag for things that they know they’re not ever going to get. They only nag when it seems like it could pay off, and so, once you make your position crystal-clear with confidence, they will usually back down and resign themselves to the situation.
Similarly, children tend to nag one parent more than the other, simply because they are perceptive enough (even at a very young age) to know which parent is more susceptible. This is one reason why it’s so important for both parents to be on the same page, at least in front of the children. Any disputes they have regarding chinuch should be carefully concealed and dealt with out of sight, until they are resolved.
Inconsistency on the part of the parents is very hard for children to deal with; very often, what looks like disobedience or rebelliousness is simply an attempt to establish where the boundaries lie. Children want the certainty of knowing what is allowed and what is off-limits. They want to know that a certain behavior will always lead to a certain consequence. Even if that consequence is being yelled at, which is obviously NOT a good response, it might still be better than the response being totally unpredictable.
To sum it up, while parents should not seek to control their children, they should never allow themselves to be controlled by them either. We should instead take the middle path, even though it’s a far more difficult path to tread than the extremes on either side.
Taking the middle path requires lots of siyatta diShmaya, to know when to turn a blind eye and when to insist, when to remain silent and when to speak up, and how to be firm while still showing love and empathy. When we know what to aim for, and know to rely on Hashem, we will im yirtzeh Hashem get it right.
