The Real Purpose of Satisfying Others
Perfecting Our Middos Pleases Hashem
Indeed, a great part of bringing pleasure to Hashem, and a great yesod in avodas Hashem, is the perfection of our middos and our interpersonal behavior. Only in this way can a person emulate the Ribbono shel Olam, and only in this way can the Shechinah be with him.
An important aspect of המידות תיקון is to become truly humble—not only to behave differently, but also to become transformed into a humble person at our core, a person who respects and values others and remains mindful of his own shortcomings, a person who always places others and their needs before himself and his own. A person must become this way, not for others, but for his own perfection—as Chazal have taught us that a person must give tzedakah for his own purification, and it is the same way with all middos. It is necessary for a person, because the Shechinah cannot be with him otherwise. He cannot understand Torah properly, or become a vessel for the Shechinah, without perfecting his middos.
Even on a Remote Island
A person must perfect his character even if he lives on a remote island with not another person in sight. You need it for your Olam HaBa. The fact that there are people around us is a great kindness that Hashem does for us so we may measure the state of our middos. But this isn’t the ultimate point. The ultimate purpose is to perfect ourselves.
And a person can feel when he’s more elevated. When his ga’avah has been diminished, he can feel the presence of the Shechinah upon himself in a greater measure. He can daven better, and he can better sense feelings of kedushah. He doesn’t feel the need for anyone to know the good things that he does, or for them to affirm and compliment him, and he doesn’t need constant feedback from others.
Feedback from People Affirms That We’re on the Right Course
It is true that a person needs periodic acknowledgement and encouragement in order to affirm that he’s on the right course. The question is whether he lives because of this or if it simply serves to give him a push to continue in the right direction. When a person serves Hashem and sees success in his avodas Hashem... he succeeded in his מרע, סור to withstand a forbidden temptation...In the past, this was very difficult for him, but today he succeeded. He is deeply grateful to the Ribbono shel Olam, and no one even knows about this, and he doesn’t need anyone to know. But he is deeply joyful about his success. He withstood a nisayon... he understood a blatt Gemara... he had another success in his avodas Hashem...
However, this person lacks affirmation. He is in doubt. He himself doesn’t know if he’s on the right path or not, whether or not he’s prioritizing the right things. His entire essence is invested in growth and elevation—but growth and elevation are often accompanied by setbacks. This is how it goes. We’re all familiar with the concept צדיק יפול שבע וקם, the righteous may fall seven times (Mishlei 24:17). This doesn’t ever end—for at every level that a person ascends, he experiences setbacks. It’s never a cakewalk. And therefore, a person must have affirmation whether he’s walking the right path.
Hashem Expresses His Pleasure Through People
How Hashem Speaks to Us
If a person were to hear a Heavenly voice encouraging him that he’s on the proper path despite his failures—that he should not become discouraged, that he should look at his successes of the past year and how far he has come, that he has advanced in so many ways, and that perfection is for the Next World—he would be overjoyed and satisfied.
Sometimes, a person begins to work at a new company. He buries himself in his work, and he gives it his all. He needs only one good word from his boss to affirm his work, to know that he’s on the right path. He needs that feedback.
Says the Ribbono shel Olam: I created you with this necessity for affirmation. I know that you need it. And so, know that if the people are satisfied with you, it is a good sign that I, too, am satisfied with you. But pleasing and satisfying people is not what you live for. It’s not the end game, and the person shouldn’t be preoccupied with whether he has pleased those around him.
You Can’t Make People Like You
Says the Chovos HaLevavos: Know that when people express their satisfaction with you, it is the Ribbono shel Olam Who implanted those feelings in their hearts. It’s not you. It’s like the person who does hishtadlus, but it’s not the hishtadlus per se that brought the results. It’s Hashem.
This is one area in which people tend to think that they are in charge—that they’re responsible for the results. But this is wrong. Some people think that that can cause people to approve of them—and they even have proof of this: They know how to smile and how to flatter and how to compliment. They have studied and mastered all the social rules, and they employ them. They use this as proof that they’re socially adept. “I tell you,” they tell their friends, “I learned from this-and-this ba’al ga’avah how to ‘grease the wheels.’” Such people believe they can manipulate others into liking him. Says the Chovos HaLevavos: This is a mistake. No one can compel others to like him—and the Ribbono shel Olam will often prove this to people.”
Often, we hear of tremendous disputes and disagreements that have erupted between the best of friends, and it’s almost impossible to believe. Anyone who thinks that he can avoid disagreements... because he was born likeable... will often be shown that it’s not that way. One needs great siyata diShmaya. And when a person is liked, it’s not because of his own efforts. And just like hishtadlus, this doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t smile at others—of course we should give people a smile. But don’t think for a second that your overtures are causing others to like you. Here, the Chovos HaLevavos is teaching us yet another point in bitachon: you can smile and flatter all you want. But if you’re liked, it’s because the Ribbono shel Olam gave you chein and favor in the eyes of others.
Hashem’s Spirit Is Placed into People
This concept was already taught to us by the Rishonim. Rabbi Yosef Nachmias, a prime disciple of the Rosh, teaches us that we learn the idea of הימנו נוחה הבריות רוח הימנו נוחה המקום שרוח כל from the pasuk in Yechezkel that says, בקרבכם, אתן רוחי ואת I will place My spirit into you. This tells us that when we see people approving or loving a person, it’s not because of their own feelings—rather it is the spirit of Hashem within them that is making them feel this way. The Ribbono shel Olam plants the seeds of love or hatred in their hearts.
Affirmation Will Eventually Come
As for the need to receive words of affirmation and encouragement from others, there’s certainly a place for it—in the following way, for example:
One Yid struggles with his interpersonal interactions, and another person draws his attention to the fact that he can sometimes offend people without realizing it—and he’s truly awakened to want to improve his middos. He recognizes that he has a weakness, and that he can inadvertently offend others. This Yid davens from his heart to the Ribbono shel Olam. “I want to improve. I want to change. I don’t want to hurt a Yid.” He works on all fronts to improve his character and awareness in this area.
This Yid should know that he will eventually receive affirmation for his efforts. One day, he will hear that others are pleased with his behavior and comportment and his manner of interaction. This is nothing less than a message from the Ribbono shel Olam, encouraging him to keep on advancing. He literally placed the words of encouragement into the mouth of this person. Keep on davening to Hashem! Speak to Him and emulate His ways.
Animated from Above
Furthermore, says the Rabbeinu Bachya, the pasuk tells us, באפיו ויפח חיים, נשמת and He blew into his nostrils the soul of life (Bereishis 2:7). One who blows, blows His own essence. Thus, we are all imbued with the soul and the spirit of the Ribbono shel Olam on a constant basis—and therefore, everything a person feels or experiences internally is really animated by a spirit from Above.
Therefore, it’s possible that a Yid overlooked his shemiras einayim on an occasion, and he forgot all about it—but a short time later, he suddenly gets into a dispute with his neighbor. He doesn’t associate the two events. He tries this segulah... another segulah... and he doesn’t understand that if this person is angry at you, it is because the Ribbono shel Olam is upset with you. It is only being expressed through another person.
(It should be pointed out that respecting other people doesn’t mean that we reckon with the opinions of all the people. The mefarshim themselves underscore this. The Maharal points out that Chazal say תפארת האדם, מן לו we should reckon with the feelings of those who behave like people.... There’s a well-known saying that a rav who is liked by the everyone in the town must be doing something wrong.)
Thus, we must know that our mission on This World is to bring pleasure to Hashem. Proper interpersonal interactions have two purposes: to bring us closer to Hashem, Who desires that we treat people with respect and honor, and to serve as a voice through which the Ribbono shel Olam affirms for us that we’re truly bringing Him pleasure.
