As our children grow older, chinuch becomes more challenging, especially in this day and age when the whole world and its temptations are at our fingertips. Aside from learning how to deal with the challenges of an older child, parents must also know how to gradually alter their approach as their children grow older. In Parshas Bechukosai, the Divrei Yisrael (commenting on the passuk that compares the way that Hashem reprimands Klal Yisrael to the way in which a father reprimands a son) notes that if a father sees that his son is no longer obeying his instructions, it’s time to set aside the stick (chinuch by force) and speak to his son gently, which will accomplish far more.
This doesn’t mean that we should davka use a stick when our children are small. There is a place for the chinuch of red lines and consequences as our children grow up, when explanations and giving choices only detracts from what we are trying to achieve at a time when our children are too young to appreciate the liberty inherent in “choosing” a certain way. But it’s important to keep in mind that being overly strict may backfire as our children grow up, and lead to the necessity of being far more lenient later on than we would ever want to be.
Far better is to find a middle way from the outset, before trouble arises.
