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Question: I have noticed that you speak a lot about giving as a way to create a better marriage. However, I find that I give a lot to my wife, but she doesn't give me much in return. What would you say about my case?

Answer: That can be a discouraging place to be. When we invest in our marriage and feel our efforts are not returned, it is natural to feel hurt and wonder whether giving works.

In many marriages, genuine giving does in-spire a similar response over time. While there are certainly exceptions, it can be worth-while to reflect on a few possibilities why it may not be having the usual results.

The Assumption Trap: We give what we think our spouse wants. True giving requires listen-ing to our spouse's desires. Our intentions may be good, but if our spouse does not feel cared for, they may not respond as we hope.

The Transactional Trap: Our giving can be-come transactional. We may not say it, but deep down we expect our kindness will be repaid. Genuine giving, however, has a unique power. It creates emotional closeness, and that closeness often awakens in the other spouse a genuine desire to give in return. When our focus shifts to what we are not re-ceiving, we unintentionally weaken the very process that encourages reciprocity.

The Foundation: The foundation of marriage is putting the marriage first. Ironically, when both spouses are focused on strengthening the marriage rather than simply getting their own needs met, both usually end up more fulfilled.

Giving vs. Pleasing: Giving is motivated by a sincere desire to benefit our spouse. Pleasing is often motivated by a need for approval. Although they can look similar, giving creates closeness; pleasing creates distance.

Yet, giving does not mean being a doormat. Healthy marriages include healthy bounda-ries. Even expressing a need or setting a limit can be an act of giving. A true giver asks, "how can I express this boundary in a way that strengthens our connection."

If any of these ideas resonate with you, con-sider making one small adjustment. Often, when one spouse gives from a genuine place, it encourages the other spouse to do the same.

Aharon Schmidt, relationship and personal coaching: www.aharonschmidt.com

*Marriage seminar for men beginning the 5th of Elul (August 18th). Contact [email protected] to reserve your place.