Dear Rabbi Gruen,
My husband and I have been married for two years. Not long ago, we had a stillbirth. Our shalom bayis is more than okay, baruch Hashem. What I’d like to know is how to make it even better, now that we have more time before we have children. Thank you
First of all, let me express my compassion for the loss of your child, which is devastating, and may Hashem swiftly bless you with healthy children.
I’d also like to commend you on your attitude toward your marriage. Many people would be “more than content” with “more than okay” and wouldn’t understand the need to seek improvement. While we should always be grateful for a good situation, that doesn’t mean we rest on our laurels and just let things coast along. Nothing is stationary in life; areas in which we don’t invest will not just stagnate but go sour if we aren’t careful, and this is certainly true of marriage. Relationships need effort to stay alive and thrive — problems can emerge and grow slowly but steadily simply because spouses weren’t paying attention.
That said, as in any other marriage project, improvement should preferably be a joint effort. That doesn’t mean that if your spouse isn’t participating to the exact same extent as you are (or at all, for that matter), you shouldn’t bother. There is always something you can do even if your spouse doesn’t feel any compulsion to change things, and in virtually every marriage, one spouse will be doing more than the other.
Problems only start when one spouse is pushing hard for improvement and pressuring the other to join them as a full partner in implementing new ideas or strategies. Despite the good intentions, this can lead to the other spouse resisting and things actually getting worse. When both are on the same page, moving in the same direction (though not necessarily at the same pace), not only are the results better but the process itself is a fulfilling experience that brings them closer to one another.
You’ve experienced a loss, and although you didn’t ask for guidance in this area, let me take the opportunity to address the topic and how it pertains to your question. You may not realize this, but whenever a couple faces a difficult challenge, whether an event such as a stillbirth, or a struggle with infertility, it can, sadly, drive spouses apart. Although it makes little to no sense, and isn’t helpful, it’s almost as if one spouse is actually blaming the other one for what they are going through.
Exploiting challenges to create conflict is the work of the yetzer hara. It is said that the Beis Aharon of Karlin suggested one way to overcome this: “There are those who are bound to the yetzer hara, and then turn to Hashem and scream, ‘Save me!’ whereas I,” he said of himself, “bind myself to Hashem and turn and scream at the yetzer hara.”
In a similar way, there are people who actually seem to join forces with the challenge they are confronting, and use it to battle against their spouse; there are others who join forces with their spouse in order to face the challenge.
Furthermore, even when it seems that the challenge is the spouse, it’s vital to remember that beneath the difficult exterior is a person you want to be connected to, who is also struggling under the weight of difficulties and perhaps not surmounting them in the most optimal way.
When we remember this, it’s easier for spouses to give chizuk to one another, to be impressed with one another when they do deal with challenges well, and to learn from each other. It’s critical to accept that you may be stronger where your spouse is weaker, and vice versa.
No couple wants to face struggles and difficulties, and yet as much as we daven for only good things, we didn’t come to this world just to “lek honig,” and some challenges are inevitable. The wisdom lies in utilizing them for growth and especially, for growing closer together. Each spouse brings different strengths toward problem-solving, which is just one reason why when both work together, solutions are easier to find.
Your question wasn’t about facing challenges, however; you asked about how to make the most of the time you have before you have a child (may it be soon be’ezras Hashem). In fact, every couple, even those with many children already, can learn from your question and any ideas or suggestions I can provide. As mentioned, every couple needs to invest in their marriage to ensure the relationship remains fresh.
The most essential tip in any relationship is to set aside enough time for it. Even when that’s hard to do, it remains one of the ground rules for shalom bayis. Sometimes it’s not easy to figure out whether a lack of quality time contributed to a deterioration in shalom bayis, or whether a downturn in the relationship led to less willingness to spend time together. Yet regardless of which is true, spending quality time together, focused on one another, is vital.
It’s often easier to set aside time during calmer seasons or specific periods in life; however, at other times it’s harder. But quality time should become integrated into one’s routine. Life is busy even without children, and this time spent focused on one another should not become a casualty — no one should look at it as a nice luxury for when it works out, and not essential for when schedules don’t permit.
Deciding when and how to spend this time together should be done together, to ensure that the needs and interests of both spouses are taken into consideration. It’s very common for one spouse to need more “quiet” time alone than the other, and the other spouse should respect this and not treat that quiet time as the perfect opportunity to connect. Connection is vital, but so is respecting boundaries. If one spouse is always chasing the other for connection on their terms, quality time will swiftly become a war of wills.
The main thing is that it should be a time during which they are actively engaged together, not passively absorbing some outside stimulus, as some mistakenly do. It could be studying a sefer or self-help book together; it could be going for a walk or taking a mini-vacation; it could be learning a new skill or craft together, or just a nice conversation when things are quiet.
What it should not be is a time when issues or problems are addressed, even if this is done with respect and consideration. A separate time should be set aside for that purpose, leaving this quality time free of even the slightest hint of dispute or negativity.
Just as spouses differ in their needs for downtime, they also differ in their levels of initiative and creativity. One spouse may be bursting with ideas for what they can do together to enhance their shalom bayis; the other may be happy to just trundle along quietly. Ideally, neither will become resentful at this disparity — the creative spouse won’t resent the other’s “lack of initiative” and the more passive spouse won’t resent “being pushed into things.” When each respects the nature of the other, things can work out beautifully.
May you and your husband make the best possible use of this time before you have children to im yirtzeh Hashem establish strong and healthy foundations for your kinder-gebenchte home bekarov.
