Humor

Humor

1. Leventhal the lawyer and Cohen the doctor meet in synagogue on Shabbos.
   “Leventhal, you don’t know how lucky you are. Every time I come here to pray, people hound me with their medical problems. This one has stomach trouble. That one has back pain. Everybody wants free advice. But you? Nobody bothers you with legal questions. How do you do it?”
   “Nothing to it. Any time somebody asks me for legal advice, I send them a bill on Monday.”
   Cohen loves the idea. Come Monday, he’s sitting in his office writing up a bunch of bills when there’s a knock on his door.
   It’s the mailman, with a bill from Leventhal.
2. A non-Jewish judge once approached the famous Chassidic Rebbe, Rabbi Avraham Yehoshua Heschel of Apt (1748–1825), with the following challenge: In our secular court system, someone who has a monetary claim against his neighbor brings the claim to the court, and the presiding judge sets a date for the case to be heard by the court. In the meantime, the judge can take the time to look into the case and prepare for the trial. The two parties then hire lawyers to represent them in court. At the trial, the lawyers defend their respective claims, and the court renders its decision. After the trial has ended, there is always the possibility of appealing the court’s decision to a higher court. However, in your Jewish court system, both parties come straight to the local Rabbi and present their claims, and the Rabbi almost always renders his decision on the spot. What kind of justice system is that? The Rebbe responded with a parable: A wolf was chasing after a lamb and finally overtook it. It was just about to devour the lamb when along came a lion and tore the lamb out of the wolf’s grip. The wolf said, “Hey, that’s my lamb! You can’t steal it from me!” So they both agreed to present their claims in front of the wise fox. The fox decided that they should split the lamb in half, giving the lion and the wolf equal pieces. They both agreed with the fox’s decision, and they asked the fox to split it for them fairly. The fox split the lamb in two, but then he realized that one side was bigger, so he bit off from that side to make it equal. He then realized that now the other side was bigger, so he bit off a little from that side. Before he knew it, there was no more lamb left! So it is with your court system – explained the Apter Rav to the judge. The judges and lawyers spend so much time preparing for the trial, and then the trial itself drags on forever, plus the case then gets appealed to a higher court, so that by the time the case is finished and all the lawyers and court fees get paid, there is no money left for the litigants! Our Jewish courts aim to decide cases in a timely fashion so that the parties involved will not lose out.
3. A group of dinner guests were blaming all of America’s troubles on lawyers when a woman said, “They aren’t all so bad. Why, last year a lawyer gave me $1000.” “I don’t believe it,” the host responded. “It’s true, I swear it,” said the woman. “I had a complicated personal injury case and what with the lawyer’s fee, the cost of expert witnesses, the expense of the appeal and so on, my bill was $41,000. When the judgment only amounted to $40,000, my lawyer simply forgave the difference.”
4. A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road. Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision. He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn't get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim." The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.