Marital Harmony
The bookshelves of any library or bookstore are lined with books devoted to solving marital harmony issues; many of them containing helpful suggestions and theories. In the following lines we will attempt to give you some insights gleaned from Torah sources.
It's Worth the Effort
The Torah ascribes utmost importance to maintaining peaceful loving relations between husband and wife. No effort is spared in the attempt to achieve this goal. In the words of the Talmud: "Great is peace between husband and wife. For the Torah says that [in order to – hopefully – bring peace between a husband and his sotah wife] G-d's name which is written in sanctity should be erased in the [bitter] waters."
Another prime example of the high priority assigned to preserving marital peace: Honesty and integrity, normally considered to be inviolable values, are suspended for the sake of ensuring peace between a married couple. G-d Himself established this precedent. When Sarah was informed that she and Abraham would be blessed with a child despite their advanced age, she incredulously exclaimed, but "my husband is old!" When G-d subsequently repeated her words to Abraham, He tactfully changed her words to, "and I am old"!
When a couple cannot resolve their differences, it is more than a personal issue; it is a national tragedy
Our sages tell us that the divorce of a married couple causes the very Altar in the Holy Temple to weep. The Altar is a national symbol which provided atonement for all of Israel. The metaphoric weeping of the Altar illustrates that when a couple cannot resolve their differences, it is more than a personal issue; it is a national tragedy.
It's All About Attitude
When a couple encounters turbulence during their shared life-voyage, the key ingredient to working out the issues and resuming a smooth journey is their attitude towards the challenge they are being presented. An absolute determination and resolve to making the marriage work is vital. Why the resolve? Why not take a "wait and see" attitude — if things work out, great; otherwise, there are always other eligible bachelors available on the market?
The Jewish view of marriage clears up this question. Husband and wife aren't two separate entities; as aforementioned, they are two halves of one whole. Thus if one spouse is exhibiting irritating or callous behavior, it's not his/her problem alone — it is their shared problem and challenge.
It is human nature to be judgmental of others. Seeing another's character flaws and shortcomings causes us to distance ourselves from the offensive individual. Another person's deficiency is glaring. This is not true, however, regarding our own failings. Our love and care for our own self is unconditional and unwavering; we don't stop loving ourselves just because we're annoyed or upset about having done something foolish or thoughtless. Dwelling on our own deficiencies doesn't cause us to lose our self-love; it only causes us to search for ways to improve. The deficiency aspect isn't glaring at all, what we see is a challenge that must be overcome; an opportunity for self-betterment.
This is exactly how we should view a spouse's faults. A spouse's flaws should generate a feeling of empathy and a determination to do whatever it takes to help the most important person in person in one's life to be the person he/she can and wants to be.
Marriage comes with bumps — and sometimes mountains, and sometimes bumps which seem to be mountains... But G-d doesn't present us with challenges which we are not equipped to handle. As long as we take the attitude that this is our problem, these bumps are surmountable challenges, not roadblocks.
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