Marriage Advice: Dealing with Criticism
Question: I have an issue with my wife and I am not sure whether I should discuss it with her. Basically, she is always critical of me. She is critical of things I say; how I drive; how I eat; how I use my time; my avodat Hashem, how I dress, how I treat others, and more. I am just getting more and more allergic to it. What should I do?
Answer: In marriage, it is good to have open lines of communication and the freedom to discuss issues with one’s spouse. At the same time, it is always easiest to point the finger at the other person and expect them to change. Therefore, before speaking with your wife, consider the following:
- Examine your conduct to uncover if there is truth to what your wife is saying. As the Rebbe Rashab writes in the famous Chasidic discourse Heichaltzu (chp. 10): “Firstly, [every person] has certain faults which he will not find on his own; he will never notice them, for his [own] self-love [dulls his sensitivity], [as it is written in Mishlei, 10:12], ‘Love covers all faults.’ How much more so [does this apply] regarding [one’s] shortcomings with regard to [various] character traits and the like. One’s innate self-love masks them, and another person will [help him by] bringing them to his attention.”
- Unpleasant events take center stage. A person can have a great day, but because of one relatively minor occurrence, come home feeling glum. Similar to a small drop of black ink that discolors a full cup of clear water. Consider, is your wife “always critical”? Perhaps it is less often than you think, i.e., once a day, once every couple days, every four days? Remember the many positive interactions that you do have.
- When she is critical, what is happening in her life? Is she tired, stressed, having a hard day, etc.? When things are difficult, we are not at our best. Empathize with what she is going through. Give her the benefit of the doubt.
- Very often a wife is a reflection of her husband’s actions, words and even thoughts. Are you critical of your wife? If not verbally, are your thoughts critical? The more positive, encouraging and accepting you are with your wife, the more she will be with you.
True, there are times when it is necessary to share with our spouse what is challenging about their behavior. However, before doing so, we should consider our own conduct. Marriage is an opportunity for self-growth. In many cases, changing our own behavior, perspective and thoughts will improve the situation.
Aharon Schmidt, marriage & individual counseling, [email protected]
