Question: I am 30 and have been dating for eight years. I understand the Rebbe said there should be “meshichat halev” - a drawing of the heart. The women I go out with are nice and even have common interests but I don’t feel much attraction. Should I just keep going out with more women?
Answer: It is true that the Rebbe writes that an important consideration in the decision to marry is “meshichat halev”. Rabbi Shneur Zalman Gafni described this as a feeling of missing the person; having a desire to see them again. In other words, it is not enough to merely understand that the shidduch is appropriate, there also needs to be an emotional draw or, at the very least, an estimation that with time there will be “meshicat halev”. (see HaBayit HaYehudi, Rav Yosef Krasik, pg. 455).
In general, people view shidduchim in two ways: 1. What qualities do I want my spouse to have; 2. How do I want my home, my married life, to be. The question is, which focus should be given primary importance?
When we focus on the qualities of the person, i.e. personality, intelligence, looks, sense of humor, out-going or introverted, interests, etc., it is challenging to find a person who matches the “list”. In addition, one might think, “perhaps there is someone better around the corner.”
Yet, when one’s focus is on building a holy Jewish home, more people appear attractive. In other words, when a person approaches shidduchim with the goal of creating a home filled with the beauty of Shabbat, chesed, guests, children, Torah and mitzvot, holiness, etc., they will be drawn to someone with whom they can create such a life. This does not mean compromising on attraction. Rather, they will be attracted - have meshicat halev - to someone with whom they can build such a life together.
In addition, finding one’s soul mate and preparing for marriage go hand in hand. As the Rebbe blessed a bride and groom: “...that you build an everlasting Jewish home based on the foundations of the Torah and Mitzvot, as they are illuminated with the inner light of the Torah, that is the teachings of Chassidus.” Preparation for marriage entails focusing on the goal of marriage, to “build an everlasting Jewish home...” The more ready a person is for marriage, the more likely they will be to find their soul mate.
Most likely your future wife is right around the corner. It just might take a shift in your focus to draw her into your life.
Aharon Schmidt - For counseling appointments and questions for this column: [email protected]
