Favors Without Expectations
We have discussed the teaching of the Chovos HaLevavos stating that even when the ba’al bitachon does ask for favors from others, he does so with aloofness and casualness, without any special effort, because he doesn’t feel dependent on this person. He is reliant on Hashem, Who will provide all his needs.
In general, this is a good rubric to measure whether a person is a true ba’al bitachon: when he asks for a favor and the person denies him the favor. Someone who becomes upset and filled with complaints may as well put a sign on his forehead that reads, “I don’t believe in Hashem—I rely on people to help me.”
When we rely on a human being, and that person denies us, we become upset: “He’s such an ingrate!... he’s mamash a rasha... I will go to war against him....” But this mindset is a shame. What’s the point of this? How much strife and unnecessary disappointment and heartache come from such thinking?
Don’t Work Too Hard
This is also evident in the way a person approaches another for a favor, and how much effort and hope he invest therein—as when he brings a delegation of people to petition a wealthy person for a favor so he will be less inclined to refuse.
We ask this person, “Why did you feel that you must do it in this way? It’s because you had the feeling that the Ribbono shel Olam won’t help you, and you’re thus reliant on this person! If you had thought about it in the right way, you would invest most of your energy into davening to Hashem that the matter should be resolved, and then you wouldn’t have to invest so much effort in asking for favors.”
No “Side Effects”
Furthermore, so often we see that even when we procure the favor from the person, we emerge bruised and battered from the process.... He was accorded the favor he wanted—but he incurred so much abuse from the person who’s helping him. It feels like it was mistake from the start... it’s simply not worth it.
But when we daven to the Ribbono shel Olam and believe that He will help us, then the favors come to us without aggravation and without the surrounding discomfort. It’s impossible to describe how much we can gain from approaching it this way. We emerge from the situation with serenity and a complete soul.
A Better Address...
Sometimes, we hear people saying to someone who’s looking for a favor, “You know what? Leave this person alone... you’re going to ‘spit blood’ until you finally get the favor from him. I have a better address for you—someone who will gladly do this favor for you.”
The Chovos HaLevavos teaches us that this must always be our feeling when a person thinks about whom he can ask for a favor. When you think of a person to ask, you should immediately say to yourself, “I have Someone who’s a far better address for this. The Ribbono shel Olam can and wants to help me far more than any friend or family member does.”
When a Yid davens and believes in Hashem, and turns to Him for his needs and desires, then even if he does approach someone for a favor, it will be with serenity and calm. If that person denies him the favor, he will not become upset... he’ll conclude that the Ribbono shel Olam has other avenues for him to receive the help he needs.
The Proper Approach in Asking for Favors
Thus, the first thing we must remember is that the very idea of asking for a favor from another person presents a danger. With this in mind, we will always avoid asking for favors; we will first daven to the Ribbono shel Olam that we should have our needs met without aggravation, and we will await our salvation in an easy and simple manner.
Even when we do determine that the right thing is to approach another person, we do so with aloofness, without investing all our energy and hope in our request. And if this person denies us, we aren’t discouraged; rather, we turn to the Ribbono shel Olam once again, knowing that our salvation will come from another source—as Chazal enjoined us: אם ראה, שהתפלל אדם ולא נענה יחזור ויתפלל, if one sees that his prayers haven’t been answered, he should daven once again.
Relying on Humans Cuts Off the Shefa
When Hashem Doesn’t Allow People to Do Favors
Now, let us learn from the introduction to the Chovos HaLevavos another nekudah that is related to this discussion. Sometimes, the Ribbono shel Olam expressly ordains that no one should do the favor for a person—all so that a person should internalize the truth: He is dependent only upon the Ribbono shel Olam.
Some people complain, “Whenever people need something, they know my number... but in the instance that I need something, they’re nowhere to be found. They forgot who I am....”
Why, indeed, does this happen? The answer is simple: The Ribbono shel Olam caused this for your good! He wanted you to begin to remember Him! The Ribbono shel Olam created a world in which, when we rely on other creations, we disconnect from Him. And if you have untethered yourself from Hashem, the shefa becomes interrupted, and your needs cannot be met.
If We Depend on Others, the Shefa Won’t Come
Similarly, it often happens that a person assures you, “Sure, I will do you a favor... you don’t even need to call me to remind me. I will take care of it all. You can rely on me, and everything will be taken care of.”
But, after a few days it becomes clear that it isn’t happening... the man forgot all about it, and you remain frustrated and disappointed. “I told him that this crucial for today!” you fume.
Sometimes it’s even worse... the person calls you back after a few days to inform you that he hasn’t forgotten about it, but “I couldn’t get to it... I was very busy.” But you are having none of I, because “I explicitly told him a number of times how important it is to have this resolved.”
Why do these things happen? Because you have relied upon a human being—and thus caused the delay to happen. The Ribbono shel Olam designed it this way, because He loves you. When a person relies completely on something he shouldn’t, the shefa cannot reach him.
Why Yosef Was Forgotten
Sometimes it happens that just when we need a loan from someone, he loses all his money. Precisely the week that I chose to ask him for a favor, he crashed financially. One of the reasons for this is because you relied on him so heavily.
This yesod says clearly in Parashas Mikeitz when Yosef asked the שר המשקים to remember him before Pharoah, but the Torah tells us that the wine steward forgot all about it. Rashi explains that the reason he forgot was that Yosef relied upon him. This caused him to forget.
Often, people become upset: “This person is irresponsible! He’s an ingrate!” But he must remember that there’s a simple Rashi at play here: You relied on a human, and, in a sense, you should ask the person forgiveness because he lost his money due to your reliance on him.... Of course, there are other Heavenly calculations for why he lost his money, but the Chovos HaLevavos clearly teaches us that this is what happens when you rely upon a person and not on the Ribbono shel Olam!
Betrayed Because of Your Trust
Of course, there’s a concept of asking for favors from others, but the ba’al bitachon does it the right way. He asks only the Ribbono shel Olam for the favor even as he does hishtadlus. He petitions the person in front of him, but he knows that his salvation can come from anywhere. It doesn’t matter to him how the matter will be resolved or who will be the messenger to resolve it.
This was the attitude of Dovid HaMelech, who says in Tehillim (41:10), עקב עלי הגדיל לחמי אוכל בו בטחתי אשר שלומי איש גם — Even my ally in whom I trusted, who ate my bread, has raised his heel to trample me. Because I trusted in him, that is why he betrayed me.
When a person approaches the endeavor of asking for a favor with the proper attitude, he doesn’t talk as much about who will be doing him the favor; he isn’t as preoccupied with ensuring that the other person will indeed do the favor, and if the person forgets about it, he isn’t so upset and hurt by it.
Relying upon Hashem
Interestingly, the Midrash in Parashas Mikeitz tells us that the pasuk, מבטחו ה' שם אשר הגבר אשרי — praiseworthy is the man who has made Hashem his trust, refers to Yosef HaTzadik. The commentaries wonder about this... didn’t Yosef explicitly place his trust in a human?! Why would the Midrash choose this episode to describe him as the quintessential ba’al bitachon?!
The Beis HaLevi explains that it was precisely because of his lofty level of bitachon that it was considered a severe misstep for him to ask the המשקים שר to intervene on his behalf—and for this he was punished with an additional two years in prison. The very fact that this request was held against him is the greatest proof of his great level of bitachon.
Indeed, following this incident, Yosef HaTzadik waited patiently for two years, without exerting himself overly to be released from incarceration. A ba’al bitachon learns from his experience. Sadly, there are many who feel the opposite: “Ribbono shel Olam... I have no time to wait for two years... I’ll just take care of this myself.” This brings them to deviate from bitachon and to rely upon humans instead.
All Compassion in the World Emanates from One Source
Who’s Really Doing the Favor
In closing, it’s worthwhile noting an additional yesod regarding this important issue.
It’s not enough to think, “This person has compassion, but Hashem has even more compassion on me.” The truth is even deeper: “The Ribbono shel Olam is the Source of mercy and compassion! This means that every time someone does something for me, every time someone has compassion for me, the Source is really the Ribbono shel Olam! It’s not that this person wants to help me a little, and Hashem wants to help me a lot—even the little that a human being is willing to help me also comes from Above. It’s all Hashem!
This is the work of a Yid— to recognize this: Even when he approaches another person for help, he should always remember that it is the Ribbono shel Olam Who is sending him compassion and favors, even when it comes through a human being.
Illuminating the World With G-d-liness
When a person thinks about this with the correct attitude, he has thus elevated all the compassion that exists in the world to its original Source. He has revealed G-dliness in the world.
It is like when a person looks around and sees beautiful creations, and he recognizes and acknowledges that the Ribbono shel Olam has created it all—he has brought Elokus to the world. When a Yid acknowledges that all compassion comes from Hashem, he also brings down Elokus into the world and revealed His existence in the world.
Don’t Disconnect Compassion from Its Source
Conversely, when a Yid turns to the secondhand source of compassion, he forgets about the original source of it all—he has untethered the mercy and compassion from its source, and this may cause the compassion of this messenger to cease. He was merciful and compassionate until now, but now that you view this person as the source of compassion itself, you have disconnected the sapling from its original source. Of course He will no longer show compassion to you.
This was essentially the mistake of the אנוש דור, which worshiped all the stars and zodiacs that the Ribbono shel Olam created. “If the Ribbono shel Olam created them, they surely have their own power, and we must worship them,” they reasoned. This brought destruction to the world, because they forgot that all creations derive their sustenance from Hashem.
When the ba’al bitachon sees that another person has compassion for him, he also sees the Source of the compassion. He encounters the Ribbono shel Olam in this situation. He may have approached another person for a favor, but he remembers where true רחמנות comes from. This person is merely a vehicle and a vessel for Hashem’s mercy, and the ba’al bitachon remains reliant and dependent upon the original source. Such thoughts repair the creation, and we spare ourselves much unnecessary anguish, disappointment, and aggravation—and they serve as a proper steppingstone to a life of bitachon.
