Many men and women should take a year off from their Hasmada, or heavy work schedule, or many Tzeddakos and מעשים טובים (charitable deeds), and give a lot of Koach into licking Ka'as, or else their kids (and often grandkids) will suffer internally from all kinds of maladies, because their parents never gave special attention to their own Middos Ra’os (bad Middos).
It pays off! Not addressing our Middos is simply not fair to the kids, because they’ll be: יורש (inherit) the weakness of their parents, and it can hurt their Ruchaniyus and/or Gashmiyus; and with all kinds of sad and weird symptoms.
Each kid reacts to tension in his own way. Working on Middos needs loads of Mussar on the needed subject, and plenty of guidance and telephone calls to Rabbonim or Mashgichim or therapists, or simply smart practical minded friends. וּתְשוּעָה בְרֹב יועֵּץ (משלי יא יד) And a Yeshua comes from lots of advice.
The Parents’ Working on Bitachon Affects the Children’s Simcha Level
Even if there is no Ka'as, nervous tension can hurt kids. This parent’s working on Bitachon affects the children’s Simcha levels. When kids have all kinds of fears and tensions it can easily be tracked to the parents. Yet, we have to be Dan parents L'kaf Zechus since they aren’t (yet) living in a world where...
הגר"א בפירושו למשלי עה"פ הַחֲזֵּק בַמוּסָר אַל תֶרֶ ף נִצְרֶהָ כִי הִיא חַיֶּיךָ (משלי ד יג ) כי היא חייך, כי מה שהאדם חי הוא כדי לשבור מה שלא שבר עד הנה אותו המדה, לכן צריך תמיד להתחזק, ואם לא יתחזק למה לו חיים.
Bitachon and Middos are #1. In our society, only hard work to earn a living and learning with Hasmada is important; and that’s plenty good! Indeed, Torah and Zikkui HaRabbim and hard work are also super important for Middos. Yet, it is often not enough.
The Novardokers all had beautiful families with normal happy kids and plenty Bnei Torah and Nachas. They would get together once a week with a Vaad to weed out their shortcomings, mainly in Middos and Bitachon.
Very often, the power of learning with Hasmada can bring a Bracha to the home. But also very often, Middos come first, no matter how much you love to learn. The Gr”a learned Torah more than all of us, and yet he said:
עִיקָר חִיוּת הָאָדָם שְבִירַת הַמִדות וְאִי לֹא לָמָה לו חַיִים
The main existence of a person is for Shviras HaMiddos, and without it, what is the point of living?!
There are tons of people who pay dearly, Rachmana Litzlan, because Middos isn’t #1 in their lives. Your body and your soul can be in grave danger, Chas V'shalom, if you don’t work on Middos.
Story of the Alter from Slabodka
R' Ben-Tzion Kuk Shlita was a Yasom, and R' Zevulun Graz Zatzal became his mentor. He noticed how R' Zevulun Zatzal was always doing everything with tremendous Simcha, and he asked him why. He answered that when he was a bachur learning in Chevron, the Alter of Slabodka came over to him after first Seder, and he called him a Tzadik and a Rasha. When he asked him why, he said that the Alter called him a Tzadik because he noticed how he learned with such Geshmak during Seder, and also with Chidushei Torah.
The best thing you can do for your child (or Talmid) is to show your own control over yourself. When you are involved in disciplining others, you don’t realize how your own age-old Ga'ava, Ka'as, Ak'shanus, and taking N'kama gets involved.
