A common shailah, that arises on erev Succos, is if one is allowed to ask his father to bind his lulav for him. The Gemara in Kiddushin (45b) writes: לא חציף אינש לשווי לאבוה שליח - “A person doesn’t have the chutzpah [brazenness] to appoint his father as an agent”. The reason being, it’s degrading for the father to be appointed as an agent by his very own son, even if it is to carry out a mitzvah. Due to the above, the Shu”t Torah Lishmah (268) writes: One shouldn’t appoint his father as an agent to search his house for chometz or to separate challah etc. certainly, one shouldn’t appoint his father as an agent to carry out non-mitzvah errands, such as buying and selling various items for him.
Based on the above, it would seem that one shouldn’t ask his father. The question is, however, what if the father is moichel [forgoing and doesn’t mind]? The Shulchan Aruch (Yoreh Deah 240:25) rules: If the father is happy to do it, it’s ok, however, if he is a talmid chocham, the son shouldn’t appoint his father as a shliach [agent] even if he is moichel. Therefore, it would seem, if one’s father is happy to do it, one may ask him to, however, if the father is a talmid chocham then one shouldn’t ask.
The Birkay Yosef cites the Pri Chodosh, who says that if the father is a talmid chocham, then even if he is happy to help, the son shouldn’t let: דלא סגי דלא חלשא דעתיה – “As he will get upset.” Proof to this idea can be brought from the Gemara in Kiddushin (31b). The Gemara relates, that Rav Yaakov bar Avuha said to Abaye, “Someone like me, that when I return home from learning, my father pours me a drink and my mother dilutes it, what should I do?” Abaye answered, “from your mother accept, however, from your father you should refuse, since you father is a ben Torah, he will be upset”.
There is a famous story with R’ Chaim Kanievsky, that when he was bochur he returned home from yeshiva and his father the holy Steipler offered him a drink, and the Chazon Ish told him not to drink it due to the aforementioned Gemara (Derech Sicha, Yisro pg. 285).
However, from the Ran in Kiddushin (13a Midafay HaRif) it’s clear not like the Birkay Yosef. The Ran clearly writes, “If the father really wants, then the son should accept”. The Ran cites proof from the Yerushalmi (Peah, Ch. 1) which relates, that the mother of R’ Yishmoel went to the rebbeim of R’ Yishmoel and asked that they tell off her son. They were shocked that R’ Yishmoel would misbehave in such away, and they asked what he had done. She said: “When my son returns home from learning, I wash his feet and I want to drink from the dirty water, and he doesn’t let”. They told R’ Yishmoel if this is what your mother wants, you must let. The Ran says, although the above is by a mother, the same thing is by a father, even if he is a talmid chocham.
R’ Chaim Kanievsky (Derech Sicha) writes: The main hakpodah [concern] is that the father shouldn’t go out his way to serve his son, such as bring him food on a serving tray. If a father simply prepares a snack for his son to take to cheder there is no problem. Similarly, if he makes a knot in his son ties, or he helps prepare his lulav, that’s not called making one’s father an agent to serve him.
However, it seems, the above is only if the father is happy. If the father is very busy on erev Succos, and all his sons come and ask him just before Yom Tov to bind their lulavim because he can do it better than they can, and it’s clear that he is unhappy, seemingly they wouldn’t be allowed to ask their father, and they would have to do it themselves, even if they can’t do it as well as the father.
What About the Actual Buying of the Arbah Minim?
R’ Yitzchok Zilberstein (Piryo Motuk, Devorim pg. 78) discusses if one is allowed to ask his father to buy him arbah minim. He brings the Gemara in Kiddushin and the Shu”t Torah Lishmah who learns it applies by mitzvos as well.
Then he says: The words of the Torah Lishmah would seemingly only apply if the son is able to look and find good arbah minim himself, if, however, he is unable to without spending a large amount of time, it would seem that he may ask his father.
Similarly, if the child is young and doesn’t know the relevant halachos, then he would be allowed to ask his father to help, as by doing so the father will be teaching him the halachos.
Can A Son Ask His Father to Help Build the Succah?
R’ Yitzchok Zilberstein (Piryo Motuk, Devorim pg. 79) addresses this question and says: “It’s forbidden as it is considered using the father, if, however, the son has no other option and the father is happy to help his son fulfill a mitzvah, then depending on the case it may be allowed.”
The sefer Osiach B’Pikudecha (pg. 250) brings that he asked this to R’ Chaim and he said: “It’s not a prohibition, but it’s not respectful, unless the parents are happy about it”.
What About Asking a Father-In-Law for Help?
The halachah is, “One is obligated to respect his father-in-law” (see Yoreh De’ah 240:22), and the Taz (19) quotes his father-in-law the Bach who learns that it applies to a mother-in-law as well. The question is, do we say the rule of:לא חציף אינש לשווי לאבוה שליח - “A person doesn’t have the chutzpah [brazenness] to appoint his father as an agent”, by a father-in-law or mother-in-law?
From the Shach (s.k. 22, who is quoting the Bach) it’s clear that the level of chiyuv to respect a father-in-law is the same as a regular elderly person. And by an elderly person we don’t apply the rule of, לא חציף אינש לשווי לאבוה שליח - “A person doesn’t have the chutzpah [brazenness] to appoint his father as an agent”, therefore, it would seem that by a father-in-law/ mother-in-law we also don’t apply itBoth R’ Chaim Malin, and R’ Avigdor Nevinzal agree to the above
