Question: I work very hard preparing for Sukkot, and although it is exhausting, I love the Yom Tov. But once Sukkot arrives, my husband wants to spend Chol Hamoed sitting in the sukkah, learning and hosting friends, while I want to go out with the family. He offered to take three days off after Sukkot for family trips. I appreciate that, but I want to enjoy Sukkot itself. What do you think?
Answer: Your husband's offer shows that he is trying to respond to what you want, and that is worth appreciating. But it is understandable that it doesn't fully satisfy you. You want to enjoy the special atmosphere of Chol Hamoed by getting out and going places. Three days afterward simply isn't Sukkot.
Sometimes marital disagreements aren't about right and wrong. Two people simply enjoy things differently. Your husband enjoys Sukkot by sitting in the sukkah, learning and hosting; you enjoy it differently.
The challenge is how we approach those differences. If compromise means, "how much of what I want can I get?" both spouses may leave disappointed. Often, couples argue over the end result before truly making room for what matters to the other person.
A helpful approach is: acknowledge → share → collaborate.
You might say, "I know how much you enjoy being in the sukkah, and I don't want to take that away. [acknowledge] At the same time, going out on Chol Hamoed is part of how I enjoy Sukkot. [share] Can we think together of a way to plan the week that works for both of us?" [collaborate]
How we approach a situation can make all the difference. Psychologically, feeling understood reduces defensiveness and makes us more willing to be flexible. This requires one to first make room for the other person's perspective. In Chassidic terminology, this can be described as bittul—moving beyond ourselves to make space for another. In marriage, bittul means recognizing that what our spouse wants matters to us too.
Perhaps this is also a message of the Sukkah: creating a space of unity—a marriage large enough to make room for both.
Aharon Schmidt, marriage and personal coaching: www.aharonschmidt.com
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