To Support My Husband in Kollel at The Expense of Exposing My Family to the Internet
Question: Hi, first of all, I would like to thank HaGaon HaRav for all the Chizuk in Emunah and Bitachon we get from listening on TorahAnytime. My question is like this. I am a Kollel wife, married to a very special Talmid Chacham (who loves to learn Mussar!) We recently moved to an out-of-town community for the purpose of my husband’s Torah learning. Out of town living has a lot of perks, but it's challenging, because in addition to leaving my family and friends behind, I am also working hard to support the family without a lot of physical support (e.g., parents, siblings, babysitters...). I really don't like the fact that I work on the computer, which means that my kids come home every day to a mother in front of a screen, and that there is internet in the house. I really wish I didn't have to work online on a computer, but there are not a lot of other opportunities where I live, and BH, it's a nice income. If I didn't work online, there would be no computer in our house. I've been davening that Hashem should give me another option, but so far, nothing has come up. I'm having a hard time understanding this. I am giving up so much for Hashem and for Torah, and all I want is to support my husband in a kosher way, and in a way that I will enjoy (like it says in Shaar HaBitachon), so why wouldn't He send something my way? Is Hashem waiting for me to take a leap of faith and quit my job, and hope that we will have food to eat?
I would really love it if the Rav could address my question soon, as this has been bothering me for a while. Thank you so much!!!!
Answer: I once asked my Rebbe, R' Ozer the following question: I'm on a bus, and I'm sitting and learning. Suddenly, there are some women there, that are no good for me. Now, I have a dilemma. On the one hand, I want to keep learning. But even though I'm trying to watch myself, their sight comes through a little, here and there. What should I do? Should I close my eyes altogether (which means not learning), or do I say: "You're learning. It'll be okay."? He answered: Close your eyes completely! More important than learning, is don't see that stuff. If you are faced with a choice, either a Bissel Mehr (a little more) Torah, or a Bissel Dos (a little of —that— stuff), better be a zait a reineh mentch, zait nisht aza masmid (Better a pure person, and not such a Masmid). That's what I M'kabel was.
But that's not so Pashut. I was once a bachur who was having challenges, and it bothered me. I spoke to Rabbi Kanarek and he said: —Just Learn. הלואי אותי עזבו ותורתי שמרו, שהמאור שבה מחזירן למוטב— (מדרש רבה איכה, פתיחתא ב) (Hashem says): Halevai my children would forsake me, and just keep My Torah, because its brilliance will bring them back. Every case has its own ins and outs. People are different, and each Matzav is different. You never know.
Both these stories are gold. Sometimes this is the answer, and sometimes that's the answer. You have to know. There's a time when you say just learn, and there's a time when you say: —Don't bother me with this Schmutz. Don't get near it—. You have to know every person, and every Matzav. There's a time to say: —Torah will solve all my problems, and will straighten me out—. And there's a time to say: —Don’t touch that!— An Ehrliche Yid comes before Alleh Learnen In Di Velt (all the learning in the world). —Don't give me this: סטרא אחרא (wickedness)—. You cannot allow Limud HaTorah to distract you from basic Yiras Shamayim.
I'm not giving you the rules. People are different, and Matzavim are different. Sometimes there's a concept of: הלואי אותי עזבו —Just keep My Torah, etc.—, I can't tell you when and where. But don't feel guilty. There is a time when you say —Goodbye! This is compromising my Yiras Shamayim; don't give me no Torah—. My Rebbe told me this. He said: —Don't learn anything. I don't want to be exposed to the Gass (street)— (e.g., like if you can sense ladies while you're learning, better to keep away).
There is a Makom for it. But you have to know when and where. It's very, very important. You need an Adam Gadol Me'od who can Paskin for you. Someone who knows you and knows all the details, and knows what you're in for, since you may be playing with fire. You have to watch it. As far as what to do L’ma’aseh, I can't really say anything. But what I'm adding here, is, don't think it's the end of the world to give up learning. Sometimes you have to do it.
You have to understand the importance of Yiras Shamayim. I want to tell you something. R' Michael Munk was present at the Bar Mitzvah of one of my nephews. The boy said a big Pilpul. He was a big Tzadik, Dr. Munk. He just sat there, listening by the table. When the boy finished, he said: "You said a very nice piece of Towrah (that’s how he pronounced it). But just remember one thing. The Ikar is not Towrah. The Ikar is Yiras Shamayim. I watched him say that. (The Eibishter gave me to hear the things that are important to hear). Coming from him! He learned in Slabodka, by the way.
Do Ratzon Hashem; you'll come out ahead. Don't care what your friends are going to say. "But he has to be by Torah... and he has to learn Torah...— DON'T WORSHIP PEOPLE. WORSHIP HASHEM, AND FIFE PEOPLE!!!! And say: That’s right! You're the Ben Torah, and I'm... I'm Akeidas Yitzchok type!!! I'm Chana and her seven sons. I'm a different material. And don't look down at yourself. EVER. You do the right thing.
But you may need a lot of Chizuk. What Mandel just said now in 2 minutes, you may need to hear that type of stuff more often. Get the right friends; not narrow-minded friends who say: —Uh oh! He's not learning anymore!— —Oh no! You're off the Derech!— Why don't you take off your Yarmulka too?? —He's not learning!— Take off your Tzitzis, become a bum, he's not learning anyway! —Oy, it's like the story with Acher, he's off the Derech!—
It's not true. HE'S ON THE DERECH. Do you know how many people I know, who started thriving as soon as they stopped learning full time?? Now, easy with what I said just now, oh boy, you better be careful with that! For some people that's poison! Don't you dare listen to that! But some people have to hear it! Because it CAN be true!
Indeed, some people, as soon as they left learning, that was the end! But if you're learning Torah L'shem Shamayim, it's the beginning of all successes in the world. And you'll have such a family of Metzuyanim, of Knock'edike kids, and people will wonder, how did it happen? The husband didn't learn that many years in Kollel?? How come you got the best kids around? Because I gave up my husband's learning in order not to see the Treife internet. I give a Bracha that no matter what you do, you'll have Hatzlacha.
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