10. Reb Trager zt'l once told his father-in-law, Reb Shlomo Zalman Aurbach zt'l, that a father and son asked him to rule on a dispute between them. The father and son were business partners until they got into an argument, and now they wanted to split the business and part ways.
Reb Shlomo Zalman replied, "My dear son-in-law, listen to me. Get out of this din Torah. A dispute between father and son is a severe matter – שבחמורות חמורה, and you are better off not getting involved."
The Imrei Emes zt'l was once on a wagon with his mother a'h. He sat in one corner of the wagon, together with the men of the family, and she sat in another corner, with the women. At one point during the trip, the Imrei Emes washed and ate lunch. Then, after he benched, his mother (who didn't know that he had eaten) told him, "You should eat something." Without saying a word, he took out some more food from his suitcase, washed his hands, and ate again to do kibud av v'em. He wouldn’t consider telling his mother he had already eaten (Rosh Golas Ariel).
The daughter of Steipler zt'l once told her father that "Chaim has a backache." The Steipler thought she was referring to Reb Chaim, his son, so the Steipler went home, told Reb Chaim to lie in bed, and brought him what he would need for the day. The Steipler told him to remain there until the morning. Eventually, someone explained to the Steipler that his daughter was referring to his grandson Chaim and not to Reb Chaim, his son. The Steipler smiled and commented that Reb Chaim would remain in bed the entire night rather than question or disagree with his father.
The Imrei Emes zt'l said that it is written in sefarim that every person should have at least one mitzvas asei and one mitzvas lo saaseh that he should be especially careful to always keep, under all circumstances, and never transgress it. The Imrei Emes said, "I accepted on myself the mitzvas asei of kibud av v'em and the lo saaseh of תרחק שקר דבר, to never tell a lie." Someone asked, "Why did you choose specifically these two mitzvos?" He replied, "It is because these are the hardest to keep" (Rosh Golas Ariel).
Reb Chaim Kanievsky zt'l related that once, he was ill, and his father, the Steipler zt'l, came to visit him. In the conversation, the Steipler mentioned that he was going to the printer that day to bring some corrections and amendments on a sefer that he was printing. Reb Chaim told his father, "My sefer, Orchos Chaim, is also by the printer, and I also have edits and changes to give in, but I am ill now and can't go to the printer." The Steipler said, "Give me the changes, and I will hand it over to the printer." Reb Chaim gave him the pages, and the Steipler gave them to the printer. But the sefer wasn't printed until a few years later, which was very unusual. Reb Chaim mentioned the delay to the Steipler and asked why it happened. The Steipler replied, "It is because you allowed me to bring the corrections to the printer." "But you offered to do so!" Reb Chaim said. "That's true," the Steipler replied, "nevertheless, it wasn’t proper that I should be your messenger, and the punishment was that it took several years before it was printed" (Derech Sichah).
Reb Michel Zlotchever zt'l was only once by the Baal Shem Tov zt'l. He said that if he had been one more time with the Baal Shem Tov, Moshiach would have come. But he didn't go again because his father told him not to. Someone asked him, "Wouldn't it be worth it not to listen to your father one time so that we could go out of galus?" Reb Michel replied, "If I hadn’t listened to my father, I wouldn't be Michel, and then, even if I went to the Baal Shem Tov, I wouldn't be able to bring Moshiach.
Rashi (Shmos 20:12) writes, "[The Torah writes] if you honor your parents, you will live long. In contrast, [we understand that] if you don’t honor your parents, your life will be shortened. Because this is how the Torah is studied: From the positive [commandment], we understand the negative."
The Zohar (vol.1 164) states, "When Rachel stole the idols from Lavan, she had good intentions [to save him from worshipping avodah zara]. Nevertheless, because she caused her father distress, she was punished that she couldn't raise Binyamin, and they weren't in the world together, even for a moment." Lavan was a rasha. Nevertheless, Rachel was punished because she caused her father distress!
The Gemara (Nedarim 9:) relates a story of a person who had beautiful hair and became a nazir. When Shimon Hatzaddik asked him why he became a nazir, he replied that he works as a shepherd for his father. Once, he saw his beautiful reflection in the water of a well, his yetzer hara became very strong and tried to cause him to lose this world. "Therefore, I became a nazir, so I would be obligated to cut off my beautiful hair [at the end of the nazirus]." Shimon HaTzaddik praised this nazir immensely and said that from all nezirim, he only ate from this nazir's korban asham. The Maharsha explains that this nazir was a talmid chacham and belonged in a beis medresh studying Torah, but his father asked him to shepherd his sheep. This was beneath his dignity, but he did so anyway, to perform kibud av v'em. Once he saw how beautiful he appeared, he understood even more how inappropriate it is that he is a shepherd. "That is how the yetzer hara tried to make me lose this world because honoring parents grants longevity, and the yetzer hara was trying to convince me to stop honoring my father. Therefore, I became a nazir, so I would cut off my hair, humble myself, and continue being a shepherd, as is my father’s will."
Caution with Kibud Av v'Em
The Targum Yonoson writes that when Yaakov met Yosef in Egypt for the first time, he thought Yosef was Pharaoh, so he bowed to Yosef. Yosef didn't have a chance to correct his father and tell him not to bow down. But because Yaakov bowed to Yosef, Yosef lost years of his life. Yosef was supposed to live until 120, but he was niftar at 110 because of this episode. The miforshim explain that just as honoring parents adds years to one's life, a pgam (flaw) in kibud av v'em can cause the opposite, chalilah.
