Question: Recently a business deal fell through. It was a big blow since the end of the month is soon and we do not have money for expenses. In addition, Pesach is coming which only adds to the financial pressure. I feel a combination of worry and desperation, along with depression. What also bothers me is that I have been learning about trust in Hashem and this is my response! Where is my faith, my peace of mind. I really shouldn’t be feeling this way, but I can’t help it. How can I regain my balance.
Answer: When we tell ourselves, “I shouldn’t be feeling this way,” we increase our negativity, making it harder to bounce back. That all too familiar voice whispers, “you’re not okay.”
As a first step, reframe that inner voice. It is great you are learning about trust in Hashem, but internalizing our learning takes time. Life is a process of growth and we are all at different phases in our own journey. Your response was normal for this time in your life. Therefore, tell yourself, “given where I am currently holding, my reaction was normal and okay. To say I shouldn’t have reacted as I did is illogical. That is like a newcomer to long distance running saying, ‘by next week, I should be running a marathon!’ I want to grow, I can grow and I will grow. I can learn from this experience.”
Regarding emotions, there are healthy and unhealthy emotions. For example, when someone passes away, G-d forbid, it is healthy to feel sadness (not push the feelings away). However, the health of our emotions is a direct outcome of how we process an event. Desperate and extreme thoughts such as, “I can’t go on”; “I can’t live without...”; “money can’t come in time,”; “we will need to sell the house”, etc., etc., lead to fear, worry and depression - emotions we want to avoid.
In the Chassidic prayer liturgy, the section “Verses of Praise” begins with the word, “hodu”, translated as “thankfully acknowledge”. We begin our morning prayers with the acknowledgement that Hashem, in his goodness, runs the world and is guiding our every step. Nothing is random.
Therefore, interweave recognition of your feelings with acknowledgement of Hashem’s goodness and omnipotence. For example, “what happened is not easy. However, all is from Hashem and is good. I trust in Hashem that things will turn around.” Balanced thoughts lead to balanced and, ultimately, more upbeat emotions.
In conclusion: 1. Reframe self-defeating and imbalanced thoughts; 2. Accept yourself and as okay and normal; 4. Don’t be afraid of healthy emotions; 5. Continue to fill your thoughts with belief and trust in Hashem’s goodness.
Aharon Schmidt, marriage & individual counseling, [email protected]
