It states in the Aseres HaDibros (Shemos 20:12) אמך ואת אביך את כבד, "Honor your father and your mother." The Midrash (Devarim Rabba 6) calls this mitzvah שבחמורות חמורה, the most stringent of stringent mitzvos.
The Gemara (Kiddushin 30b) writes, "Honoring parents is equivalent to honoring Hashem." The Gemara adds, "When one honors his father and mother, Hakadosh Baruch Hu says I consider it like I dwelled among them, and it is like they honored Me." The Yerushalmi (beginning of Peah) states, "Honoring parents is a great mitzvah. Hakadosh Baruch Hu prefers it more than when He is honored." Tana d'Bei Eliyahu (27) says, "Hakadosh Baruch Hu doesn't ask for anything other than that one should honor his father and mother."
1. Pele Yoetz (Kibud Av v'Em) writes, "Precious Jewish children, be cautious to give honor to Hashem by honoring your father and your mother. Do everything they request from you without turning to the right or the left. I have already mentioned that there are mitzvos that have mazal. How much money people spend to have the honor of pesichah, to open the aron kodesh, or to be a sandek, and the like, although these are neither mitzvos d'oraysa nor d'Rabanan. They are chibuv mitzvah, an expression of love to the mitzvos. Ashreihem Yisrael! However, every time they obey their father or mother, they are doing a great mitzvah d'oraysa! Yet, the fools transgress and are punished."
Kibud av v'em is from the greatest mitzvos, yet people don't appreciate it. I've heard parents complain that after their children got married, they don’t visit anymore. They become busy with life, and they hardly see their parents. But this isn't an excuse, because we have the telephone in our generation. You can be far away, on the other side of the world, and you can speak to your parents. So why shouldn't a son or daughter set a time each day to call their parents? You can tell them what is happening to you and your family. With this simple deed, you perform a mitzvah from the Torah of kibud av v'em, which is from the greatest mitzvos.
Reb Shlomo Kluger zt'l wrote to his son, Reb Avraham Shmuel Binyamin z'l, "My dear son, why isn't yiras shamayim upon you? When you write a letter to me (with chiddushei Torah), send regards to your mother, and thereby you will perform the mitzvah of kibud em. From now on, send a greeting to your mother..."
A father called up a rosh yeshiva to complain that although his son is learning well in yeshiva and is growing in yiras Shamayim, at home, he doesn't honor his parents. "Perhaps you can speak to him and set things straight." The next day, the rosh yeshiva asked the bachur to learn with him every Friday morning. “That would be a great honor,” the bachur replied. “What does the rosh yeshiva want to learn?” “Hilchos kibud av va’em.” "Hilchos kibud av ve'em?" the bachur asked. "Why? I think we should study something that is l'maaseh, something that is relevant to day-to-day life." He didn't realize just how l'maaseh and essential hilchos kibud av v'em is.
2. In 1948/ח"תש, a bachur came to Eretz Yisrael two years before his parents arrived. His parents needed help finding an apartment and appropriate parnassah. Their son knew the language and understood how things operated in Eretz Yisrael so that he could help his parents. The bachur asked his Rebbe, Reb Eizik Sher zt'l, whether he should help his parents settle in or whether he should continue learning in yeshiva, and his parents will somehow manage on their own. Reb Eizik Sher said that he doesn't know the answer to this question because the Shulchan Aruch HaRav says that when someone has the potential to succeed immensely in Torah, he shouldn’t stop studying, not even to perform mitzvos that no one else can do. And this bachur had the potential to become great in Torah. Reb Eizik advised the bachur to ask the Chazon Ish zt'l. The Chazon Ish replied, "It is natural that a child should do this for his parents" (איש מעשה p.184).
Reb Yaakov Halprin zt'l noticed a talmid chacham in Eretz Yisrael in low spirits, and he asked him what was worrying him. The talmid chacham replied that his parents had just arrived from Lodz, and now he must support them. "Until now, I barely earned enough money to support my family. How will I have money to support my parents, too?" Reb Yaakov Halprin replied, "I will support your parents [he was wealthy and able to do so], but on the condition that I will earn the reward for the mitzvah." The talmid chacham didn’t want to lose the reward for the mitzvah. "I need to think it over," he replied. He asked the Chazon Ish zt'l, and the Chazon Ish told him, "What's the question? Of course, you must accept Reb Yaakov's offer, so your parents will have all their needs. And if you lose the reward for the mitzvah, so be it. One must be prepared to jump into Gehinom to honor his parents." And then the Chazon Ish concluded, "Hakadosh Baruch Hu has enough reward to give both to you and also to Reb Yaakov. You won't lose your reward if Reb Yaakov gives money to your parents..." (איש מעשי p.181).
A bachur studying in the Belzer yeshiva in Yerushalayim wanted to be with the Belzer Rav for the yamim nora'im- Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. The father of this bachur had a beis medresh in Tel Aviv, and as it was a small minyan, he requested that his son daven with him in his shul in Tel Aviv. The son explained to his father that he wanted to remain in Yerushalayim with the Belzer Rav. "I can't even consider giving that up.” During Aseres Yemei Teshuvah, the father's brother came to the Belzer Rav to get a brachah for the new year. During their conversation, he mentioned that his brother has a beis medresh in Tel Aviv. The Belzer Rav asked to hear it again, "Your brother has a beis medresh in Tel Aviv?" "Yes, he does." The Belzer Rav immediately asked his meshamesh to call that bachur. The Belzer Rav said, "Your father has a beis medresh in Tel Aviv, and you were here for Rosh Hashanah? How could you do that? On the holy day (Yom Kippur), make sure to be with your father." The day after Yom Kippur, the bachur came to the Belzer Rav, who asked him, "Were you with your father for Yom Kippur?" The bachur answered affirmatively, and the Belzer Rav was very pleased. "You acted correctly. For one thing, you did kibud av v'em, and secondly, it is always good to give chizuk to a Yid (Beiso Naavah Kodesh).
I had a similar story. One year, on Erev Rosh Hashanah, I asked a bachur why he seemed sad. He explained that he wants to be with his Rebbe for Rosh Hashanah, but his father wants him to help him with his minyan in Tel Aviv. I told the bachur, "I'm seeking merits for the day of judgment because I am so poor in my deeds. I'm certain that you will have great merits on Rosh Hashanah because each minute of the day, you will be doing kibud av v'em. So, I request that you daven for me on Rosh Hashanah. I'm certain that your tefillos will be answered because of the great mitzvah you are performing." The bachur understood that he should listen to his father and that this would be most precious in heaven.
Many people know that they must honor their father and mother, but they think that other mitzvos come first. Once, Reb Shlomo Zalman saw an elderly man shlepping heavy benches on Shabbos for a kiddush while his children were standing outside, talking with their taleisim on their shoulders. Reb Shlomo Zalman asked the children why they weren't helping their aging father. They replied that they are machmir not to carry on Shabbos, as they don't rely on the eiruv. Reb Shlomo Zalman couldn't believe what he heard, and it upset him immensely. For the next few days, he said to whoever came to him, "How could it be that for a chumrah, these children allow their father to work so hard?" Some people are very stringent with Pesach; they have hundreds of chumros but are lax with kibud av v'em. It can be compared to a father that tells his children that he is thirsty and asks for a cup of water. The children say to one another, "It isn't every day that we have a mitzvah like this. We are so fortunate to do this mitzvah. We should conduct an auction to determine which brother will do it. I offer ten gold coins for the right to bring water to our father." The second brother said, "I offer twenty gold coins," and they were auctioning off the zechus as if it were an aliyah. A third brother said, "Why are you lenient with this great mitzvah? I offer fifty gold coins. Fifty gold coins going once, going twice, three times, sold. And now that I earned the merit, I want to offer the merit to our father, that he should pour himself a cup of water..." This is how foolish it is when one seeks other mitzvos, instead of the ultimate mitzvah of doing kibud av v'em.
Rashi and Honoring Parents
3. The first Rashi in Chumash states, "Reb Yitzchak asked: The Torah didn't have to begin with Bereishis, rather with לכם הזה החודש...." The Taz (Divrei Dovid) writes that he saw in a very old sefer that this question that Rashi writes in the name of Reb Yitzchak isn't found in any Midrash or any other Chazal. Rather, Rashi wanted to begin his commentary by honoring his father, Reb Yitzchak. His father wasn't a scholar, so he asked his father to ask him a question and his father asked "Why does the Torah begin with Bereishis?" and Rashi put the question at the beginning of his commentary. The Taz maintains that Rashi's father was a scholar because Rashi writes towards the end of Avodah Zarah, a commentary that he heard from his father. Nevertheless, we see from this story that the introduction to Torah is honoring parents.
A difficult question regarding an agunah came to the Divrei Chaim of Sanz, zt'l, and being that his son, the Divrei Yechezkel of Shinov zt'l was then in Sanz, the Divrei Chaim asked his son to join him in the difficult task, and great responsibility, to try to find a heter for the agunah. The Divrei Yechezkel said to his gabbai, "Bring me a Shulchan Aruch." The gabbai brought him a Shulchan Aruch, Even HaEzer, where the halachos of agunah are discussed. The Shinover Rav said, "I didn't want an Even HaEzer. I wanted Yorah Deiah, where the halachos of kibud av v 'em are discussed. My father wants to discuss the halachos of agunah with me, and we might disagree on a point here and there, and I have to discuss these matters according to halachah, and I don't want to transgress kibud av v'em."
The Damesek Eliezer of Viznitz zt'l was being maavir sidra. He was almost finished when his father, the Ahavas Yisrael of Viznitz, asked him a question. The Damesek Eliezer answered the question and then went back to the beginning of the parashah to be maavir sedra again because his custom was that he didn't speak while being maavir sedra. The chasidim asked him, "You could have shown your father that you have just a couple of pesukim to finish." The Damasek replied, "The mitzvah of kibud av v'em is from the Torah, and it is from the most stringent mitzvos. Therefore, I preferred to be maavir sedra again than to have my father wait."
My father zt'l was very devoted to the mitzvah of kibud av v'em. One year, he was taking care of his father, Rebbe Moshe Mordechai, the entire erev Yom Kippur, and he didn't even have time to go to the mikvah (which all Yidden do on erev Yom Kippur, see Shulchan Aruch, 606). When it was time for Kol Nidrei, Rebbe Moshe told him, "I was tovel for you." On the day of my brother’s chasunah, Rebbe Moshe Mordechai told my father to get a brachah from the Beis Yisrael of Ger zt'l. My father went, but the Rebbe was sleeping. My father waited a very long time. His son's chasunah was scheduled to begin very soon. The mechutan, the Toldos Aharon Rebbe zt'l, was already in the hall, and people told my father it was time to go. He replied, "My father told me to be here, and I won't leave until he tells me to." Soon afterwards, the Gerrer Rebbe's gabbai (Reb Bunim Kornik) came in and said, "The Rebbe (the Beis Yisrael) asked me to see whether someone is waiting to speak with him."
Reb Shlomo Zalman zt'l was one of the rabbanim of Pressburg. For years, his dream and hope was to travel to Eretz Yisrael, even for a short visit, but he couldn’t afford the long trip. One year, on Purim, a wealthy person gave him a ticket to travel to Eretz Yisrael. His dream had come true. He immediately began preparations, and when the day of his departure came closer, he traveled to his parents (who lived in another city) to say goodbye. His mother told him, "In two and a half months, when you reach Eretz Yisrael, send me a telegram so I will know that you arrived safe and sound, and then I can sleep calmly and peacefully." Reb Shlomo Zalman understood that his mother was worried about the trip and that she won't sleep well, so he immediately changed his mind. "I'm not going to Eretz Yisrael," he told them. "I will stay here." His mother tried to convince him that he should go. "Just contact me when you arrive," but he had made his decision. He wouldn't go to Eretz Yisrael if this caused his mother distress until he arrived.
Reb Chaim Kanievsky zt'l taught his children that they should never say שבע. Even when they were referring to seven o’clock, or as a number, they shouldn't say שבע because the name of their righteous mother was שבע בת. (He didn't say this as a halachah, rather as an added caution in hilchos kibud av v'em.)
An interesting shaalah came to Reb Chaim Kanievsky zt'l: There was a father who led a cheder, and it was a very good cheder. With complete agreement and encouragement from the father, his son also opened a cheder, and it was far more successful than the father's. Several parents took their children out of the father's cheder and enrolled them in the son's cheder, which was causing distress to the father. Reb Chaim ruled that the son must refuse to accept the children, and if he can't stand up to the pressures that the parents place on him, he should close the cheder and go back to learn in Kollel.
Attaining High Levels Through Kibud Av v'Em
4. The Beis Aharon zt'l said that he reached all his levels in the merit of kibud av v'em. The Chazon Ish zt'l said, "Know that every madreigah that I attained, and any good middah that is in me, it is all in the merit of kibud av v'em" (Maaseh Ish vol.4 p.198).
Reb Moshe Turk davened every morning with the Chazon Ish zt'l, and considered it a zechus to receive the Chazon Ish's daily "good morning." After shacharis, Reb Moshe Turk would go off to a cheder in Tel Aviv, where he taught. Once, he brought his class to Bnei Brak, so they could also daven shacharis with the Chazon Ish. After shacharis, one of the students wanted to ask a question from his rebbe, Reb Moshe Turk, but Reb Moshe stopped him. He said, "In the presence of the Chazon Ish, it is derech eretz to remain silent." The class filed by the Chazon Ish and received his brachos. When the child who had a question passed the Chazon Ish, the Chazon Ish asked him to tell him what he wanted to ask. The child looked up at Reb Moshe Turk, wondering whether it was derech eretz to speak, and Reb Moshe Turk replied, "If the Chazon Ish asks, you may reply." The student asked a question that only a child could ask. He said, "How did the Chazhon Ish become the Chazon Ish?" The Chazon Ish replied, "It was because I never wasted a moment of my time, and I was always cautious with the mitzvah of kibud av ve'em" (Maaseh Ish vol.4, p.198).
Honoring Parents and Other Mitzvos
Eliyahu (Raba 26) explains that the mitzvah of kibud av v'em is written in the Aseres HaDibros next to the mitzvah of honoring Shabbos "to tell us that when one honors his parents, he won't ever be mechalel Shabbos or sin in any other way. And if he sins, he will be forgiven."
When Yaakov came to Mitzrayim, it states (Bereishis 46:29), אביו ישראל לקראת ויעל "[Yosef] went up to greet his father, Yisrael." Tosfos says that the word ויעל teaches us that he had an elevation; he reached a higher level because he was going to honor his father.
I heard from Reb Shmuel Wosner zt'l that Shlomo HaMelech became king because he honored his father immensely (see Malachim 1, ch.2).
The Meshech Chachmah writes that the Beis HaMikdosh was built on Binyamin’s portion because Binyamin was the only brother that didn’t partake in the selling of Yosef, so he was the only brother that didn’t cause his father distress. Therefore, he merited that the Beis HaMikdash was built on his portion. He adds a hint to this from the Yerushalmi (Peah 1:5) that says that the ישפה stone was once missing from the choshen (this stone represents the tribe of Binyamin) and they bought the stone from Dama ben Nesina, a non-Jew who excelled in the mitzvah of kibud av v'em. This teaches us that only someone who is cautious with kibud av v'em can complete the Beis HaMikdash, where the Shechinah resides.
(Succah 45:) Reb Shimon bar Yochai said that he could exonerate the entire world from judgment through his merits. If he included his son, Reb Eliezer’s merits, he could redeem the world from judgment and punishment from the day the world was created until that day. And if he added the merits of the king עוזיהו בן יותם, he could redeem the world from judgment and punishment from the day the world was created until the end of time. What was unique about עוזיהו בן יותם? Rashi writes, "He was a tzaddik and humbler than the other kings and excelled in honoring his parents. About him, it states (Malachi 1:6), בן אב יכבד, a son that honors his father. Because for as long as his father had tzaraas, and Yosem took his place, he didn’t place the royal crown on his head and ruled all judgments in his father's name."
