Question: I have a colleague at work who appears very generous. If he gets himself a cup of coffee, he will ask others if they also want coffee or tea. If he is going to the store to get a snack, he will ask everyone in the office if they need him to pick something up for them. But, if I ask him to do me a favor, he is not so forthcoming. I notice that with a lot of people and even with myself. It is much either to give when the giver is deciding when and how to give, then when asked to give. Why is that? Does it mean the giver is not so generous after all?
Answer: A woman who lived in a Tel Aviv neighborhood was going through a hard time. She consulted with a Rabbi who advised her that giving charity would help her situation. However, she was confused. How much charity should she give?
She decided to consult with her local Chabad Rabbi, asking him how much she should give. He responded, “I do not know your financial situation, so I can’t give you an actual number. But one thing I can tell you is that you should give until it hurts.”
A Jew is by nature kind and compassionate, and naturally wants to give to others. Yet, serving Hashem does not mean simply expressing one’s nature. Serving Hashem requires one to go beyond their comfort zone.
This can be understood in light of the Talmud’s (Chagigah 9B) statement that “he who serves G-d” refers to one who reviews his studies 101 times, while “he who serves Him not” refers to one who reviews his studies only one hundred times. This is so because in those Talmudic days, it was customary to review each lesson one hundred times. Thus, to review one hundred times did not require any extra effort; it was second nature. Only the 101st revision, which required effort beyond the student’s custom, could gain him the appellation of “he who serves G-d.”
The Talmud illustrates this by the analogy of the market of the donkey drivers. The drivers would charge one zuz for ten parsi (Persian miles) but demanded two zuz for driving eleven parsi, for driving an eleventh mile exceeded their customary practice. (Tanya Chapter 15; Lessons in Tanya)
For sure, giving to another person is a good thing. In fact, it demonstrates generosity, refinement, sensitivity and compassion. Yet, there is good and there is better. Ultimately, true growth is not attained by merely expressing our nature, i.e., giving on our terms—when, where and how we want. True growth requires us to go beyond our nature, our ego. To give even when it hurts.
Aharon Schmidt, marriage & individual counseling, [email protected]
