Question: I give a lot around the house—cleaning, washing dishes, doing laundry, taking care of the kids—but my wife rarely says thank you or acknowledges what I do. It makes me not want to help anymore. What should I do?
Answer: The key is understanding why you're giving in the first place. Are you doing these things because you want recognition and appreciation? Or are you doing them because they're good for your marriage and family?
This relates to the concept of reward and punishment. The Rebbe Rashab, the fifth Rebbe of Chabad, teaches that serving G-d to receive reward or to avoid punishment represents a lower level of G-dly service. While it motivates us to do the right thing, we're very much focused on ourselves—seeking reward or avoiding punishment—rather than truly serving G-d.
The same idea applies to marriage. When you do household tasks expecting a thank you, in a sense, you're doing them for yourself—for what you'll receive. This fosters separation rather than closeness, because it reinforces a "me versus you" dynamic instead of building the "us" that marriage should be about.
The healthier approach is giving for the sake of your marriage and your spouse, without depending on acknowledgment. When you shift your perspective, not only will you feel a deeper closeness and connection with your spouse, but you will also feel more fulfilled in your giving in that it will not be tied to a need for receiving and recognition.
Ironically, when you stop needing a “thank you”, your spouse may actually become more likely to express appreciation—but even if they don't, you won't need it. You'll be free from that dependency.
Ideally, instead of two separate people keeping score, the aim is one united team, with both partners giving for the marriage itself. This creates a more wholesome, unified, and ultimately happier marriage.
This does not mean we want to eliminate appreciation (a spouse should show appreciation) but we don’t want to be dependent on it. This helps to create the environment where true marital harmony can flourish.
Aharon Schmidt, marriage & individual counseling: aharonschmidt.com.
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