This week’s parshah begins with Hashem telling Moshe Rabbeinu that every single member of the Jewish People is to give a donation toward the building of the Mishkan. The passuk states, “Veyikchu-Li trumah—And they shall take for Me an offering,” and Rashi explains the inclusion of “for Me” as Hashem’s instruction that donations be “dedicated to My name.” After all, we can’t actually give anything to Hashem, as everything already belongs to Him.
The sefer Teshuos Chein recounts an exchange between Harav Shmuel Kaminker ztz”l and the Baal Shem Tov, who noted that tzedakah can be given even with ulterior motives, as the main objective is ensuring that the poor man has his needs provided for. Based on that, R’ Shmuel provided an additional interpretation of Rashi’s words, where it is the “veyikchu,” the taking and not the giving, that should be Lishmi, leshem Shamayim. This is achieved by the recipient of tzedakah using the money only for the purposes for which it was intended — not to buy luxuries, but to purchase food and other necessities.
The issue of how to give and receive is one that we encounter on a daily basis, especially between husband and wife. It’s very common in relationships for friction to arise when one person gives and the other complains that “it’s not what I wanted” or “you didn’t give it the right way.” What’s less common is couples figuring out what the real problem is and learning how to approach such issues in a constructive way.
No one can “make” another person do things for us exactly the way we want. And even if we could, what gives us the right to decide how another person should behave? If the other person is doing the best he can but it doesn’t measure up to our expectations who’s to say that he is required to do more? And perhaps “more” or “better” won’t even help, because the reason why he doesn’t measure up in our eyes is an issue that we have, not something he’s doing wrong.
This doesn’t mean that we have to resign ourselves to being chronically dissatisfied with whatever we’re receiving in a relationship, or that we have to take the blame every time there’s a difference of opinion. It does mean that we have to know how to react to what we are given. Gratitude should always be the initial reaction, regardless of our interpretation of the other person’s motives. And even if they didn’t manage to give “correctly,” we can still receive “correctly,” as the Baal Shem Tov explains.
When you learn to accept what people offer you with grace, you’ll often find that later (at an appropriate moment) you’ll have the opportunity, with kindness and sensitivity, to introduce the idea of doing things differently. Not because the other person “should,” but because “it would mean so much to me.” We should not try to manipulate others into giving us what we want. But what both people in a healthy relationship really do want is to learn how to give and receive in the best possible way, and when both are honest about their feelings, the result will be’ezras Hashem be a manifestation of veyikchu Li terumah, building our own mishkan me’at, with the presence of the Shechinah in our homes.
