In this week’s parshah, the Torah describes the clothing of the kohen gadol, including the me’il whose opening must be “turned inward with a border around it ... and it shall not be torn.” This head-opening is called “pi rosho,” literally the “mouth of the head,” and the border is a “safah” which can also be translated as “language.” The Alshich Hakadosh derives from here the lesson of how important it is for us to guard against negative speech of any kind which can “tear open” relationships between people and ruin the entire fabric.
Furthermore, he writes, we shouldn’t assume that a word spoken in anger or haste can always be taken back with an apology. Once spoken, words can never be erased. Therefore, we should always carefully consider whether it is wise to speak; perhaps it would be better to remain silent.
The Chida also discusses how irretrievable words can be, and notes that we can learn this from Moshe Rabbeinu himself, who asked to be “erased” from the Torah, which once done, could not be undone. Therefore, Moshe himself is told: “Ve’atah tetzaveh—you will command this” — you will be the one to teach this lesson since you are a living example of how careful one must be before speaking.
Between family members, choosing the right words can make all the difference. Hurtful comments are rarely forgotten even if they are forgiven, and it’s not unusual for a husband or wife to tell their spouse, “You think I forgot what you said to me back then, but...” or, even worse, “I can’t forgive you for what you said.”
It’s wrong to hold onto a grudge; old issues should never be dredged up, especially if they are no longer relevant. But even when we have a complaint about something ongoing, it should be addressed with great caution.
A common and serious mistake that people make is that of openly airing grievances in the name of honesty and transparency. Sometimes it’s done in the presence of a marriage counselor in what’s presumed to be a “safe zone.” These justifications and rationalizations don’t alter the harmful impact of hearing such comments. The hurt and shame that can be caused is often impossible to erase, and it’s vital to remember that time does not mend all tears.
