Advertisements should not be read on Shabbos
One erev Shabbos, Berel the butcher rushes into shul, looking frantic. He spots the rov and says, “Rebbi! I have an urgent shailah! A customer just brought back a chicken, saying he found a small tear in the lung. I need to know—is it kosher or treif?”
The rov strokes his beard and says, “Hmm... a serious question indeed! Tell me, Berel, where is the chicken now?”
Berel shuffles uncomfortably. “Well... my wife already cooked it.”
The rov raises an eyebrow. “Ah. And where is it now?”
Berel clears his throat. “We... we ate it.”
The rov sighs. “So why are you asking me now?”
Berel shrugs. “I just need to know whether I should bentsch or say Vidui.”
Ancestry
"My ancestry goes back all the way to Alexander the Great," said Christine. She then turned to Miriam and asked, "How far back does your family go?"
"I don't know," replied Miriam, "all of our records were lost in the flood."
Government Snow
During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars. “That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer. “But I guess we’re lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government.”
“Why is that?”
“Because knowing the federal government, they’d decide to lower the highways!”
- There was a king once who was 12 inches tall. Terrible king, great ruler.
- My grandfather always said when one door closes, another one opens. Smart man, but a horrible cabinet maker.
- People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a very good electrician.
- I once got stuck in an elevator. Now I take steps to avoid them.
How Mad?
Two cows are standing in a field, and cow one says, "I'm really concerned about this mad cow disease going around. Do you know anything about it?"
Cow Two: "Not really, why?"
Cow One: "Seriously? It's all everyone's talking about!! It makes you crazy. It's right in the name, how does that not bother you?!"
Cow Two: "I guess I just don't worry about things like that."
Cow One: "WHAT?!"
Cow Two: "Yup. Doesn't apply to me, anyhow."
Cow One: "Why not?"
Cow Two: "I'm an attack helicopter."
Free Service
A barber gave a rabbi a haircut one day. The rabbi tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you do the Lord’s work.”
The next morning, the barber found a dozen Bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again, the barber refused payment, saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you protect the public."
The next morning, the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you serve the justice system." The next morning, the barber found a dozen more lawyers waiting for a haircut.
Advertisements should not be read on Shabbos
