With regard to any halachic aspects of your question, I can only answer that I’m not a rav. If you would like to clarify the halachic issues you raise regarding your wife’s obligation to daven and your obligation to correct her, I recommend that you consult a competent rav. He will likely take your family situation into account, particularly the number and ages of children you have.
I often stress how important it is for families to have not just “a” rav but “their” rav, someone who gets to know them over the years and gains familiarity with their particular circumstances. So many problems can be not only solved but avoided in the first place when both husband and wife defer to a halachic authority in relevant areas. So I encourage you to discuss this with a rav whose rulings and advice both you and your wife will respect and follow.
When it comes to tefillah, the halachah is far clearer for men than it is for women. Men are obligated to daven certain tefillos in a certain order regardless of what they enjoy or whether it inspires them. Different communities have different minhagim and mesorah when it comes to women’s davening. While this does allow for more flexibility than for men, that doesn’t necessarily mean that women can simply daven whatever they please.
Yes, one of the underlying purposes of davening is to “connect” to Hashem. That doesn’t mean that it’s a free-for-all and that each person can decide for himself what “connection” feels like and what contributes to it. How we feel about davening is not the only factor to take into account.
We see this idea in action when it comes to the building of the Mishkan. Even though one of the main purposes of the Mishkan was for us to benefit from Hashem’s presence among us, Hashem still gave us precise and highly detailed instructions for how it was to be built. He did not say, “Here’s a nice mitzvah for you, to build Me a house. Utilize your creativity and figure it out for yourselves. Do it in a way that makes you feel My presence most strongly.” We serve Hashem on His terms, not ours, and this idea applies to every single area of life, not just tefillah.
But let’s suppose your rav tells your wife, “You should be davening x, y, and then z, in that order.” Should you now supervise her adherence to these instructions?
She may find it challenging to do so and that is more her business than yours. Making sure that she gets it right is no more your responsibility than it is to make sure that she serves Hashem properly in any other area of her life. The general rule in Torah that we don’t give tochachah to those incapable of receiving it correctly applies here too. In fact, the example Chazal give for this concept is refraining from admonishing a woman for failing to add minutes to Yom Kippur at its beginning and end. Although this is a clear chiyuv, Chazal tell us that if a woman does not comply, it is better to remain silent and not issue a reprimand. In other areas, it’s not always clear where such flexibility is in order, and that’s exactly why I suggest that you consult your rav, something that is always a good idea.
The fact that Chazal recommend added caution when it comes to making specifically women aware of something they are getting wrong is instructive. There is also another ma’amar Chazal that seems very relevant to your situation, one that is often quoted but whose full meaning is not always appreciated: “Just as it is a mitzvah not to say [what will not be heard], it is a mitzvah to say [what will be heard.]”
The first half of this saying implies that if you know that your wife will take direct criticism badly (as is the case with most people...) then don’t do it. Many people stop there and remain silent instead of offering criticism, even congratulating themselves for holding back. They often miss the second half of the same saying which seems to be encouraging us to find a way to say something positive that can be taken well.
In your case, the methods you have used so far have not been successful which suggests that they should probably be abandoned in favor of something more promising (and certainly something that won’t provoke fights). Even if your rav does suggest that you raise this issue again, you must take great care to do so in a way that can actually accomplish something and bring about the desired results.
First and foremost, it’s crucial that you avoid any appearance of an attack. Whatever you say, make sure your wife does not hear it as a personal criticism, not on the way she davens nor on herself as a person. If she does, she will likely only become defensive and your words will not only not accomplish what you want, they will probably just make things worse.
If your wife is very sensitive on this point, you should take that into account and modify your tone of voice and only raise the subject at a calm time of day. I truly believe that one can say almost anything to almost anyone as long as one gets the timing, the words, and the tone of voice right. Being able to do so is a skill well worth developing.
I would also like to point out that it’s commendable that your wife is davening at all and that she actually enjoys davening. That’s tremendous and sadly, not nearly as commonplace as you might think. I think that this could be a great starting point for a conversation. Tell her how grateful you are that she loves to talk to Hashem, and about all the brachah she is bringing into your home through her tefillos. Tell her how inspiring you find it that she won’t be mevater on davening, even when she’s busy, and how your children will learn to love davening through watching her.
Then, you can suggest that the next time she has a chance to daven Shemoneh Esrei, you’d be grateful if she had you in mind when she reaches the brachah where we ask for parnassah. Remind her of the sick person she could mention when she says “Refa’einu.” It will take time, but gradually she will internalize this new way in which you see her, and her behavior is likely to adapt in turn.
I hope you will view my ideas and suggestions as applicable in any area where it seems necessary to bring something to someone’s attention. It’s easy to become fixated on a single thing that someone does that really bothers us and could even be wrong in absolute terms. But even then, we need to keep the bigger picture in mind. Will telling them be productive or destructive? Will it crush them or encourage them?
There’s a story told of the Beis Yisrael of Ger who was at a simchah and happened to notice a little boy who was making a brachah before every bite of food. The boy’s father kept trying to get him to stop, concerned at all the unnecessary brachos, but the Gerrer Rebbe stopped him and told him that it was far better for the boy to become accustomed to making brachos, even if they were unnecessary, than it was to become accustomed to eating without a brachah.
Having a wife who enjoys connecting to Hashem with tefillah of any kind is a brachah that you should appreciate. You don’t mention any other areas in which you find her behavior problematic in halachic terms, so I’m assuming that the way in which she chooses to daven is what bothers you most. Having a wife who is genuinely lax in all her halachic observance is a far greater challenge that you should be grateful you don’t have to address. Thank Hashem that she loves to talk to Him and allow yourself to be inspired by her enthusiasm. It’s wonderful to enjoy reciting Hallel, to want to praise Hashem and see His blessings. When you let your wife know that you see her as one of your blessings, you may find that your life lightens up until you want to sing His praises, too.
A wife should in general look to her husband for guidance not only in ruchniyus matters but also in gashmiyus. However, if his way of guiding her ends up crushing her, nothing has been achieved. It is for her to look to him for guidance and not for him to enforce it. In fact, it is precisely this concept of her subservience to him that makes her patur from so many mitzvos, formal tefillah included (according to many authorities).
Hashem should help us find the ways to inspire each other to shine, and to bring out the best in one another, in every area of our lives, especially in our service to Him!
