In this week’s parshah, the Torah describes the process of extracting olive oil to be used in the Beis Hamikdash. Rashi explains that for the Menorah, only the first drop of oil removed from the olive can be used; for the offerings, the oil extracted by grinding the olives is also acceptable.
The sefer Siach Sarfei Kodesh quotes the Chiddushei Harim ztz”l who explains Rashi’s famous wording: “Kosis lema’or—crushed for lighting, v’lo kosis lemenachos—and not crushed for meal offerings,” as follows. If a person wishes to criticize himself by acknowledging his shortcomings and feeling bad about them, this should only be done lema’or, to lift himself up and shine. If someone finds that self-criticism only brings to menachos, to feeling put down (in a play on words) and going into a state of despondency, he should use a different method of working on himself.
The Rebbe R’ Mendele Vorka ztz”l expresses a similar idea. If you’re going to point out someone’s failings, he writes, only do so if it leads to lema’or, to that person improving himself and shining even more brightly. But if you try to get someone to change his ways and the result is menachos—depression and despair—then stop.
This idea is very relevant when it comes to chinuch habanim. Despite the way things sometimes look, virtually no parent actually sets out to destroy his child or break him with unkind or harsh words, even if the child does end up broken. Parents invariably want the best for their children—they just don’t always know how to go about achieving it. Still, if a parent sees that his approach isn’t leading to lema’or but rather to menachos, he should stop, take stock of things, and plot a new course.
Of course, we aren’t always in control of the results when it comes to chinuch. However, what matters most are the intentions we have, combined with the effort we invest, as well as lots of tefillah. If we keep using a method or approach that isn’t bringing about the lema’or that we’re striving for, it’s certainly time to take a fresh look at the situation.
