The lust for Kin'ah, Ta'ava, Kavod, and Ka'as, etc. that you have, is not the real you. It was given to you as a gift Min HaShamayim to make you a great person:
- If you keep working on it.
- If you have even the slightest improvement, even temporary!
- To see if you won’t get discouraged and depressed, despite its scary nature of its never-ending addictiveness.
Any one of the above makes you a big Tzaddik, despite those horrific negative feelings you are getting all the time (see when the Steipler Zatzal wrote about this subject; he was super encouraging). Dovid, Yosef, and Yehuda all had Nisyonos in Kedusha, each one in a different way. They were all giants, and were Malchus. (The Medrash says that special Malach of Ta'ava was sent to Yehuda).
Dovid is very inspirational in his unbelievable reaction and his Teshuva (RSRH).
The Ideal Way to Conquer the Yetzer Hara: Get Involved in Learning!
STORY
I myself saw a Rosh Yeshiva (an Adam Gadol from the last Dor) get on the train, and sit down between two women! He was so involved in the Sefer that he was learning, that he didn’t notice what he was doing. A minute later he Chapped, and he jumped out of his seat to sit somewhere else.
This is the ideal way to conquer the Yetzer of Arayos; i.e., by being involved in learning! (Rambam). You’re simply in a different world! Although there are many Bnei Torah who still have plenty Kedusha issues; through constant Tefila, Hashem can help you be M'kayem (fulfil) the words of the Rambam.
STORY
R' Altusky Zatzal of Yeshivas Torah Ohr used to encourage the Bachurim to take taxis in order to avoid the Pritzus. When they went to the Kosel, it became an issue, except for R’ Sheinberg Zatzal who didn’t seem to notice any problem when he walked (very quickly) to the Kosel.
However, I once heard a story from R’ Mendel Rabinowitz Zatzal, that at one point, R’ Sheinberg noticed a very Pritzus’dik situation. He grabbed R’ Mendel’s hand and he closed his eyes, telling R’ Mendel to guide him. R’ Mendel protested: “What about me? I also have to watch myself!” R’ Sheinberg answered: “By me it’s a worse problem, since: כָל הַגָדוֹל מֵחַבֵירוֹ יִצְּרוֹ גָדוֹל הֵימֶנוּ the greater the person, the greater is his Yetzer Hara!!!”
Novardok
R' Yonasan Blau Shlita told me that he remembers how R' Yehuda Leib Nekritz Zatzal and R' Shlomo Figer Zatzal would have Vaadim for years with only 2-3 people in attendance, and it didn’t bother them in the least! They also didn’t care if their Divrei Torah were appreciated or not. They were happy and were real.
They understood how Redifas HaKavod dominates people in every move they make. And despite the possible temporary pleasure of getting Kavod, in the end, it can hurt and even destroy the person, Chas V'shalom, since he is hopelessly dependent upon people’s opinions (and you can never always make everyone happy!). Despite their greatness in Torah, they were mainly involved in Mussar, like Chovos Halvavos, for hours daily.
When everyone becomes broken from Bizyonos, Novardokers are Davka B'simcha, they deal with Bizyonos like a fish in water. I heard a story about a Novardoker who left Novardok to learn in Grodno. He didn’t pass the Bechina and he was rejected. Instead of leaving, he stayed. There was no food available for him, and no bed.
A Novardoker doesn’t mind; Gashmiyus is not his thing anyway. So he slept on the floor in the Yeshiva for two years. He learned day and night with tremendous Hasmada, without worrying for food. There is no Yi'ush in Novardok, but there is loads of Bitachon! Sure enough, righteous women brought him special food, which was much better than what any Bachur had in Yeshiva.
When the Yeshiva finally recognized his greatness, and wanted to officially accept him, he said: “I'm okay the way it is”. He became a tremendous Talmid Chochom. He survived the war, and lived in Eretz Yisroel. He was once invited to give a Shiur in Yerushalayim. He lived far away, and when he arrived from the long trip, the Yeshiva offered him food. He wasn’t interested.
“Have some coffee, have some this, have some that”. “It’s not necessary”. He was totally involved in Torah. You can perhaps say about him like what was said about R' Ahron Kotler Zatzal (when he was a Bachur in Slabodka) “He’s Shikor from his love for Torah”. I heard this from an eyewitness who...
