Question:
My wife and I don’t fight all the time, but every couple of weeks we have a disagreement that becomes heated. What does this say about our marriage? Does it mean we aren’t right for each other?
Answer:
Disagreements are normal. A husband and wife bring different histories, personalities, and perspectives to marriage. These differences reflect two whole individuals, not a flaw in the relationship.
Think of walking: your legs move differently, yet together they carry you forward. If both legs did the same thing at the same time, you’d be standing still. In the same way, your differences can help you grow as you learn from each other.
A strong marriage is not one where spouses always agree, but one where they can disagree without being adversaries. So the real question is: how can we handle our differences in ways that strengthen our marriage?
When we feel challenged, our instinct is often to react, defend, and prove. Try instead to pause, understand, and then respond.
When we feel attacked, our bodies react before we have time to think. A brief pause gives us room to choose our response. In that pause, ask yourself: what is my spouse trying to tell me? What are they feeling? How does this look from their perspective?
Then ask: what am I trying to accomplish? Do I want to win, to correct my spouse, to hear them admit I’m right? Or do I want to strengthen our marriage? Sometimes being right is not worth the price of proving it. Breaking the cycle of conflict begins with my own response.
We can understand without agreeing. Agreement says, “I think you are right.” Understanding says, “I can see why you feel that way.” You can understand your spouse and still hold a different view. Understanding creates closeness; defending creates distance.
A component of a healthy marriage is the willingness to understand our spouse. That willingness builds connection.
Aharon Schmidt, marriage and individual coaching: www.aharonschmidt.com