Dressed Alike
Shoshana, the mother of a large family was explaining why she dresses her children alike, right down to the youngest baby. "When we had just four children, I dressed them alike so we wouldn't lose any of them." "Now," she added, looking around at her brood of nine, "I dress them alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us."
The Test
I was out walking with my then 4-year-old daughter Chavi when she picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that. "Why?," she asked. "Because it's been laying outside and it is dirty and probably has germs." At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," I was thinking quickly, "...all moms knows this stuff. Um, it's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "Oh...I get It!" she beamed. "So if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."
Diagnosis
Shmulik goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I ache all over. Everywhere I touch it hurts." The doctor says, "OK. Touch your elbow." Shmulik touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain. The doctor, surprised, says "Touch your head." Shmulik touches his head and jumps in agony. The doctor asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens. Everywhere Shmulik touches he hurts like hell. The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays, etc. and tells Shmulik to come back in two days. Two days later Shmulik comes back and the doctor says "We've found your problem." "Oh yeah? What is it?" "You've broken your finger!"
Good News and Bad News
The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.” “What’s the bad news?” asks the accused. “The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.” “What’s the good news?” “Your cholesterol is 130.”
Viewpoint
Two men are on opposite sides of the river. The first man shouts, “How do I get to the other side of the river?” The other man yells, “You are on the other side of the river!”
One-liners
Why is a swordfish’s nose 11 inches long? Because if it were 12 inches, it would be a foot.
What state is known for its small drinks? Minnesota.
What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue
Ignorance and Apathy
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? A man asked his friend.
“I don’t know, and I don’t care.” was his response
Midnight Lecture
Moishe is speeding along the highway at 1 a.m. A policeman stops him and asks, "Where are you racing at this hour?" "To a lecture," the man responds. "Who will give you a lecture at this hour?" the policeman wonders. "My wife," he replies.
