Question: My wife says I am a mess. I try and clean up but she doesn’t notice and just complains how I do not clean up after myself. I am busy working 10 hours a day to support the family and even if I do forget to put the milk away, to put my clothes in the laundry, etc., she can cut me some slack. I don’t know why everything has to be so tense. I feel I am walking on a narrow bridge and I can’t veer the tiniest bit to either side without falling off (getting yelled at). How can I get her to calm down a bit?
Answer: Wouldn’t it be great if your wife acted as you want: more understanding, more accepting and more appreciative. Afterall, when she sees the kitchen a mess and your dirty laundry on the floor, she could just say, “it’s alright, he works so hard, I don’t mind cleaning up after him.”
Most likely, though, she also has her side. Perhaps she is thinking, “things would be so much better if he would realize how hard I work to take care of the house and family and help out more. Why does he have to be so sensitive when I ask him to clean up!”
It is always easier to look outward for a quick solution, “if he/she would just...” Yet, the only person we can directly change is ourselves. Pointing the finger at our spouse only creates resentment, with each side blaming the other. It doesn’t promote change.
On the other hand, our feelings and actions create a reciprocal response in our spouse. As King Solomon states in Mishlei 27:19: “As water mirrors the face to the face, so does the heart of man to man.” Chassidus explains that love reflects love - when one loves his fellow, his fellow will be aroused to love him in return. So too, your positive behaviors will arouse a corresponding response in your wife.
Examples of things you can do:
- Show your appreciation; give compliments—even several times a day.
- Do things that would make her happy, including, to clean up after yourself.
- Show her you are in this together—ask a couple times each day if there is anything you can do to help.
- Create closeness—take her out once a week and buy her a gift from time to time. Show her she is your first priority.
You might ask—why do I have to do all these things. The answer: because you want a better marriage and you can only change yourself. The more you come to meet her, the more she will come to meet you.
Aharon Schmidt — for questions and appointments: [email protected]
