Question: I have been contemplating divorcing my wife. There are things I like about her, but there are also things I resent and make me angry. We fight a lot and have drifted apart. Maybe I should move on. What do you think?
Answer: As a general statement, divorce should only be undertaken in extreme cases and with the approval of a Rav who is experienced and competent in the field of shalom bayit. While marital conflict is very painful, from your letter it feels that there is still hope. It might be helpful to consider the following
Focus on the good:
From your letter, there are things you like and, to paraphrase, things you don’t. Everyone is a mixture of good and bad. It is our choice where to focus. When we focus on the good we feel better, the atmosphere improves and we actually reveal our spouse’s good qualities. Take time during the day to focus on your spouse’s good qualities.
Expectations:
Expectations are a healthy element of a successful home. They provide security and stability. Yet, how we react to unfulfilled expectations is crucial. We all have moments where our behavior is less than desirable. At times, our spouse may be inconsiderate, selfish, hypocritical and hurtful. Yet, just like we are not perfect, neither is our spouse. Accepting and forgiving our spouse’s imperfections will diminish anger and resentment.
Validate:
While you might feel you are right, your spouse also feels she is right. We all have our own perspective and from our viewpoint our opinion is valid. Step inside your wife’s shoes and see the situation from her perspective. Marriage requires emotionally flexibility. Seeing the situation through the eyes or our spouse fosters understanding and closeness and halts the conflict in its tracks.
Perspective:
When times are hard remember they will pass and better times will return. Adopting this perspective during moments of conflict helps us respond with maturity, level-headedness and understanding.
Commit to the Marriage:
When we see divorce as an option, we have one foot out the door. By committing to staying in the marriage and working to make it better, there is a much greater chance for success.
Divine Providence:
“According to the pain is the gain.” (Ethics of Our Fathers) Although it is not always easy, Hashem gives each of us our soul mate so we can achieve our highest potential.
As things get better, the difficulties will become less and less apparent.
Aharon Schmidt - marriage & individual counseling; [email protected]
