Question: I have been married 10 years and there is an area that is very hard. I have financial goals, but I feel my wife doesn’t help me reach them. I need the freedom to make investment decisions, and at times this involves some risk. Yet, my wife is cautious and risk-averse. Also, she wants to be involved in financial decisions. I feel unable to move forward, since she often disagrees with my ideas. I feel stifled. What should I do?
Answer: It sounds like a challenging dynamic. You’re motivated to achieve financial goals, yet you feel blocked by your wife’s hesitation and caution. This type of tension is quite common in marriage, especially when differences in personality—like risk-taking versus risk-aversion—consistently clash.
Unfortunately, when each spouse becomes entrenched in their position, communication breaks down. Logical reasoning gives way to emotions and frustration, and instead of working together towards a mutually agreeable solution, the discussion becomes a power struggle, often exploding into conflict.
Let’s reframe the situation. Suppose you’ve researched an investment you strongly believe in, and your wife responds, “I don’t think it’s a good idea.” The instinctive response might be to argue your case—to persuade her, to win. But healthy communication isn’t about winning or losing. There's middle ground that can be achieved through understanding.
You might say: “I understand why you’re uncomfortable with the risk, and I value your concern. At the same time, this is something I’ve carefully looked into and believe in. Maybe we can find a way to approach it that works for both of us.” When there’s a genuine spirit of collaboration, creative solutions often emerge—perhaps investing a smaller amount at the outset and reviewing the plan together after a set period.
Similarly, the more cautious partner can respond: “It sounds interesting. I don’t know that I’m ready to jump in fully, but I’d like to learn more.”
Chassidus discusses the two spiritual worlds of Tohu and Tikkun. Tohu is characterized by polarization—it's my way or the highway. Tikkun is about integration and cooperation—seeing the common denominator and working together to achieve a shared goal. With understanding, patience, and flexibility, you can achieve more than you imagined—both in your finances and in your marriage.
Aharon Schmidt, marriage & individual counseling: www.aharonschmidt.com.
