Question: Hi Rabbi, I was always confused by the Gemara that says1 that the Mizbeach cries after a couple gets divorced. Being divorced and happily remarried, I was always lost with the interpretation that the Mizbeach is mourning the potential of the marriage. My first marriage was terrible; there was only something to mourn if I had stayed in it. I never liked that Pshat, since I find it inadequate and sort of not real-life. Maybe if there were kids involved, I could understand it as alluding to the parents and their self-interests; that they should’ve tolerated each other more, worked on themselves, and stuck it out for all the good things. Yeah, that’s a shame.
But what about all those people who suffered and finally got out? What’s the real explanation here? Why are their tears, if there is a happy ending, and families are less miserable apart?
Answer: Do you know, I used to be a die-hard against divorce. Novardokers tend to be like that. However, I have heard this from BIG people. And one of them is Greenwald, the famous psychiatrist, Adam Gadol Mamash, Yankel Greenwald. He told a friend of mine, THERE IS A PARSHA OF DIVORCE. Face reality! Get divorced! I was very much against that, until I discussed it with R' ... and other Gedolim. They all taught me: NO! There is a time and place for divorce!
Now look, I don't believe that you should waste your time trying to figure out "What's that Chazal all about?" We have two Chazal's. We have Chazal, and then we have an open Passuk. It says in the Torah: וְהָיָה אִם לִא תִמְצָא חֵן בְעֵיֽנָיו וְכָתָב לָה סֵפֶר כְרִיתֻת וְנָתָן בְיָדָהּ תצא כד א If she is displeasing to him, he shall write her a bill of divorce. You stick with the open Passuk. The Passuk says: “Go get divorced!” STICK TO THE PASSUK, AND DON'T GET INVOLVED IN THE CHAZAL.
“If” you were a person that decided you want to stay in the marriage and sweat it out, and you need Chizuk, go for that Chazal; it could be helpful. But for YOU, don’t got involved in a Chazal that doesn’t make you feel good. There are PLENTY of Chazal's the other way. A friend of mine was contemplating divorce, but he didn’t want to do it. He was told by an Adam Gadol (either by R' Gamliel Rabinowitz, or R' Yaakov Meir Shechter, one of the biggest people in Yerushalayim): ”Only dogs don’t get divorced”. He really let him have it. GO GET DIVORCED! GO FOR IT, AND BE HAPPY!
There's a Passuk that the Aruch HaShulchan brings down: גָרֵש לֵץ וְיֵצֵא מָדוֹן משלי כב י Get rid of her, and now you're a lucky guy. Nuuuu? THAT Passuk is for you. Good riddens! So happy; happily divorced! Best thing I ever did. Spend your lifetime NOT getting caught in a Chazal that doesn’t fit for you. There's: 70 facets to the Torah (שבעים פנים לתורה). In every move that’s going on in your life, I can have 100 Chazal's that say this is the best thing, and another 100 that say it’s the worst.
You're getting involved in nitty-gritties that are not for you. Oh, you want to know the intellectual meaning of it? I'm not getting involved in that. I can have different answers for you. But you don’t need to get Pshat in that. You don’t need to spend a lifetime with guilt because you got divorced. NO WAY! R' Baruch Ber got divorced! Nuuuu? Moshe Rabeinu got divorced. Nuuuu? Come on! You have a lot of company. The son-in-law of R' Ahron Kotler got divorced. What are you talking about? What's wrong with getting divorced? Nothing wrong! It’s good news! I know a lot of happily divorced people. You’d be a MESS if you stayed in that marriage. You're so lucky!
And from time to time, maybe you should send your ex a box of chocolates, and say “I’m so thankful that I got rid of you!” I'm just joking. I don’t think you should actually do that. But in your mind, that’s what you have to think. “Good ridden’s lady! It’s so good without you! In fact, you did wonders for me!” Or if you are a lady, write to your husband (don’t actually write this. But in your mind, you say) “I want to thank you so much! Not having you is a bonus in my life. It’s so pleasant. Thank you so much! Now I appreciate, because I got rid of you. You showed me … you taught me so much in my life. Getting divorced from you is a major milestone in my life. You did wonders for me. I'm so grateful to you. Now I can breathe easily, and I'm rid of all that stuff”. That’s what I recommend. I mean, you don’t have to actually do it, don’t look for trouble. But in your mind…
”Maybe I did wrong??” Don't get involved in: מִזְבֵחַ מוֹרִיד עָלָיו דְמָעוֹת the Mizbeach that weeps. I guarantee you; you have nothing to worry about. You are a successfully divorced person. There's no reason in the world to look back. It’s a Yetzer Hara! You're getting tied into stuff that’s not for you. You did it; it worked. Even if Chas V'shalom you'd be single now, I would still speak like this to you. But especially since you are remarried, and it’s working, you PROVED that it was a mistake! GOODBY! That’s the way you need to think.
Now look. I may not speak like this to other people. They may need to hear other things. But this is not for YOU, i.e., a happily remarried person; get away from that Chazal! Every Chazal is Kodesh Kodoshim. And many Chazal's contradict each other. Stick to the Chazal's that make you feel good. It’s a Yetzer Hara to look back, and start looking for trouble. You're fine, it worked, and just forget about it. Don’t even think about it for a second. That Chazal is made for other people.
And don’t get involved in Gemara. Ladies are not supposed to get involved in Gemara. That’s my advice for you. Keep away from Gemara’s. It looks like you are a good wife; you did well on your second time. Enjoy your second husband, and have a good life together. Don’t ever look back, and don’t ever look for trouble (“Idid something wrong”) You did something right! Happily divorced. Keep up the good work. And I wish you continued Hatzlacha. Kol Tuv!
1 גיטין צ ב, כִי שָׂנֵא שַׂלַח (מלאכי ב טז) רבי יהודה אומר, אם שנאתה שלח. רבי יוחנן אומר, שנאוי המשלח. ולא פליגי, הא בגוב ראשון הא בגוב שני, דאמר רבי אלעזר, כל המגרש אשתו ראשון, אפילו מזבח מוריד עליו דמעות, שנאמר (מלאכי ב יג-יד) וְזֹאת שֵׂנִית תַּעֲשׂוּ כַּסּוֹת דִּמְעָה אֶת מִזְבַּח ה' בְּכִי וְאֲנָקָה מֵאֵין עוֹד פְּנוֹת אֶל הַמִּנְחָה וְלָקַחַת רָצוֹן מִיֶּדְכֶם וְאֲמַרְתֶּם עַל מָה עַל כִּי ה' הֵעִיד בֵּינְךָ וּבֵין אֵשֶׂת נְעוּרֶיךָ אֲשֶׂר אַתָּה בָּגַדְתָּה בָּהּ וְהִיא חֲבֶרְתְּךָ וְאֵשֶׂת בְּרִיתֶךָ.