The Gemara (Brachos 7b) states, ומגוג גוג ממלחמת יותר אדם של בביתו רעה תרבות קשה. This means that having a child "go off the derech", r'l, is more painful for the parents than the sufferings of the war of Gog and Magog. A child who goes off the derech, רעה תרבות, is so painful to parents because the parents feel guilty. They think that if they were better parents, it wouldn't have happened. The guilt is a heavy load to carry. For all other tzaros, r'l, such as illnesses, yesurim, war, people understand and accept that it is from Hashem, and therefore, they don't carry guilt, and they know that it is for the best. But when there is a רעה תרבות, a child who falls off the derech (entirely or partially), parents often feel responsible, thinking that had they been more cautious with their chinuch, it wouldn't have occurred. But it isn't so, because nachas and the opposite ch”v, is all decreed from heaven, for reasons that Hashem, alone, knows.
Rebbe Tzaddok HaKohen discusses this in 52:6) לילה רסיסי). He quotes the Gemara (Brachos 10a) that Yeshayah HaNavi said to Chizkiyahu HaMelech that he will die because he didn't bear children. Chizkiyahu answered that he didn't want to have children because he saw through ruach hakodesh that there would be a wicked person among his offspring. Yeshayahu HaNavi rebuked, לך למה דרחמנא כבשי בהדי, "Why should you be involved with the secrets of Heaven? Hashem said to bear children, and therefore, that is what you should do. Hashem will do as He sees fit."
Rebbe Tzaddok HaKohen explains that the navi wasn't specifically referring to this episode. Rather, all children that don't turn out well are דרחמנא כבשי, Hashem's secrets. Hashem's plan, which we cannot comprehend. Because how children turn out is a decree from heaven. This realization will give chizuk to parents. Let them know that it was Hashem's plan, and He knows why it had to be this way.
With a bitter heart, someone told Rebbe Shlomke of Zvhil zt'l that his children had strayed from the path of the Torah. Rebbe Shlomke asked him, "Is it your fault?" The man replied that it isn't. "So don't think about it," Rebbe Shlomke told him. "It isn't your problem. Every parent has different types of children; some turn out better than others. Also, for our Father in heaven, He wants good children, children who go in the path of Torah..." but it can't always be that way.
Every year, Shabbos parashas Toldos, Rebbe Moshe Mordechai of Lelov zt'l would repeat a counsel for good children, which he heard from the Bilgurey Rav zt'l. The Bilgurey Rav owned handwritten divrei Torah, an inheritance from his holy ancestors, the Rebbes of Belz zt'l, and the following lesson was written there:
Year 5611/1850, Rebbe Moshe Lelover zt'l left Poland to travel to Eretz Yisrael. Before he made this trip, he went to the gedolim of his time, to take leave of them. When he came to the Sar Shalom of Belz zt'l, the Sar Shalom told him a pshat on the pasuk (Tehillim 115:14) בְּנֵיכֶם וְעַל עֲל ֵיכֶם עֲל ֵיכֶם 'ה יֹסֵף, "May Hashem increase upon you, upon you and upon your children." The lesson is based upon the concept that the spiritual future of children is largely dependent on the parents' spiritual level (see Or HaChaim Vayikra 12:1). The parents bring the child into the world, so the child's spiritual success is influenced by his parents' kedushah. But even if the parents didn't have kedushah, there is a solution to help the children. The solution is that the parents should do teshuvah now. The teshuvah uproots their wrong deeds of the past from its roots. It will be like they never committed them. The children will receive a new heart to serve Hashem. This is hinted in the words ֶםבְּנֵיכ וְעַל עֲל ֵיכֶם עֲל ֵיכֶם 'ה יֹסֵף. The pasuk is hinting that if parents will (יֹסֵף) increase their good deeds and do teshuvah, Hashem will help them fix the past, בְּנֵיכֶם וְעַל עֲל ֵיכֶם, and this will help the children serve Hashem better.
Rebbe Moshe Mordechai of Lelov would say this vort every Shabbos on parashas Toldos, and he would add that the concept is alluded to at the beginning of the parashah. It states, הוֹלִיד א ַבְרָהָם א ַבְרָהָם בֶּן יִצְחָק ת ּוֹלְדֹת וְא ֵלֶּה יִצְחָק אֶת, "These are the children of Yitzchak ben Avraham, Avraham begot Yitzchak." The miforshim ask that the pasuk seems to be repeating itself. Isn't it obvious that if Yitzchak was ben Avraham, then Avraham begot Yitzchak!
Based on the above, Rebbe Moshe Mordechai explained, א ַבְרָהָם בֶּן יִצְחָק ת ּוֹלְדֹת וְא ֵלֶּה, even after a child was born, יִצְחָק אֶת הוֹלִיד א ַבְרָהָם, he can experience a rebirth. When parents do teshuvah and improve their ways, the children become like they were born again, and this time, in a better way.
Spiritual Struggles and Parental Effort
It states (26:20-21) לֵאמֹר יִצְחָק רֹעֵי עִם גְרָר רֹעֵי וַיָּרִיבוּ עָל ֶיהָ גַּם וַיָּרִיבוּ אַחֶרֶת בְּאֵר וַיַּחְפ ְּ רוּ ... הַמ ָּיִם ל ָנוּ, "The herdsman of גְרָר quarreled with Yitzchak's herdsmen saying 'The water is ours'..." This happened twice. Yitzchak's shepherds dug wells, and the shepherds of גְרָר claimed that the water was theirs. However, the Torah doesn't tell us who won these debates, and who got the water in the end.
The holy sefarim tell us that the wells Yitzchak (and his shepherds) dug represent spiritual concepts (and not just water). When there is a struggle in reference to spirituality, it really doesn't make a difference who won. The purpose is to attempt to serve Hashem in the best way we can, and then Hashem perfects it and it becomes beautiful in His eyes.
Avraham's Children and Parental Responsibility
Avraham Avinu had eight children. Yitzchak, Yishmael, and six children from קְטוּרָה, as it states at the end of parashas Chayei Sarah (25:1-2) ּוּשְׁמָה ָּׁהאִש וַיִּק ַּח א ַבְרָהָם וַיֹּסֶף וְאֶת מ ִדְיָן וְאֶת מְדָן וְאֶת ָׁןיָקְש וְאֶת זִמְרָן אֶת לוֹ וַתֵּלֶד ,קְטוּרָה ַשׁוּח וְאֶת יִש ְׁבָּק, "Avraham proceeded and took a wife whose name was Keturah. She bore him Zimron, Yokshon, Midon, Midyan, Yishbak, and Shuach." From all these children, only one of them went in Hashem's ways. Nevertheless, about Avraham, Hashem said (Bereishis 18:19)יְדַעְת ִּיו כִּי לַעֲשׂוֹת 'ה דֶּרֶ ךְ ָׁמ ְ רוּוְש אַחֲר ָיו בֵּיתוֹ וְאֶת בָּנָיו אֶת יְצ ַוֶּה ֶׁראֲש לְמַעַן וּמִשְׁפ ָּט צְדָקָה, "For I love him because he commands his sons and his household after him that they should keep the way of Hashem to perform tzedakah and justice..."
This is because what’s important is that the person should do the best they can. When he does so, the actual results are irrelevant. Avraham is praised for his devotion to teaching his family the ways of Hashem. If most of his children chose to go on another path, that doesn't detract from the greatness of Avraham's deeds and attempts.
