Defining Truth
I remember once in Slabodka, we had a Histadrus Hamussar. The kollel people and others, former talmidim of the yeshiva, came together, and every half year they worked on a certain middah. They would meet before the zman and choose a middah to work on.
So I remember we were all sitting together there, and the subject came up, what middah should we work on for the next zman?
An old man, he wasn’t a baal mussar, but a frum old man stood up. He was the mashgiach once in Volozhin. He said, “Lomir arbeten oif emes. Let’s work on emes.”
So Rav Avraham Grodinzky, the menahel of the Slabodka yeshiva, was unhappy with that proposal. “No,” he said. “To work on emes is to work on shtus.” Rav Avraham was vexed. He said, “If you have a principle to say only truth, you’ll be saying foolishness. You could work on chessed, not on emes.”
And later it was explained to me what he meant. Because people think that truth means to say the facts, but it’s not so. Emes means to say what’s worth saying, what’s beneficial to say. To say facts—unless you learn how to say it—is shtus. You have to make people happy. But once people embark on a career of only saying what’s factual, they’re going to wound a lot of people and cause a lot of harm. Emes means saying the truth, and always saying the truth is absolutely wrong!
And therefore, it was vetoed, to work on emes. It’s a remarkable story. Work on chessed, alright, but emes, that’s a much more complicated subject. Because a Jew, an oived Hashem, has to know when yes and when no. He has to know what emes really means.
Simchas Chosson V’kallah
The Gemara in Mesichta Kesuvos (17a) says this. It’s an open Gemara. הָ לַ כַה י ≈נ¿פƒל יםƒ„¿ ּ ַ̃ר¿מ „ַˆי≈ ּ כ ןָנָ ּ בַר ּ נוָ ּ ̇ – How do you dance before a kallah?
How do you dance?! What’s the question? You dance with your feet, whatever you’re capable of. So Rashi says it means, יםƒר¿מֹו‡ הָמ – what do you say? That's what counts. The words you say by dancing, that’s what counts most.
So what should you say? הָ לַ כ יםƒר¿מֹו‡ י‡ַּמַׁ ̆ ̇י≈ ּ ב ‡יƒה∆ׁ ̆ ֹ̇מו¿ ּ כ – Beis Shammai says, “Whatever she is, that’s what you should say.”
But Beis Hillel says, no you can’t do that. You can’t just say the truth; sometimes the truth is not so complimentary. And so, יםƒר¿מֹו‡ ל≈ ּ לƒה ̇י≈ ּ ב – Beis Hillel says, הָ„ ּ סוֲחַו הָ‡ָנ הָ לַ כ – “A beautiful and graceful kallah,” that’s what you have to say.
Now, Beis Shammai was scandalized when they heard that. How can you say that? What if she’s blind or lame or ugly? The Torah says ר∆ ׁ̃∆ ̆ רַב ּ ¿„ƒמ ָ̃ח¿ר ּ ƒ ̇ – you have to keep far away from falsehood (Shemos 23:7).
Final Sale
So Beis Hillel said no, that's a very big error. And he explained it like this: ̃ ּ וׁ ּ ַ̆ה ןƒמ חַ ̃∆מ חַ ָ̃ ּ ל∆ׁ ̆ םָ„ָ‡¿ל לָׁ ָ̆מ – It’s like the man who bought something in the store and now he comes home. What should you do? Should you praise it? Should you belittle it?
By the way, this mashal is a very important mashal for ladies to learn, so pay attention. If your husband comes from the street, let's say he wanted to do a favor so he did some shopping without being told. He passed by a fruit stand and bought a box of strawberries. So the wife says, “What do you need strawberries for?” Or, “Oy vey, you overpaid. I could have bought it cheaper on the corner.”
No. A smart wife says, “Oh, perfect. Strawberries. Very good. It’s a bargain!”
That’s what a smart anyone says. If somebody bought something, tell him how good it is. “Oh, you made a very good buy.” You have to praise it. He can't take it back, so you’re mechuyav to make him feel good.
And therefore, Beis Hillel says that if a man purchased a kallah—the invitations were sent out; he’s already in the hall. He can't back out now. So you’re mechuyev to tell him, “הָ„ ּ סוֲחַו הָ‡ָנ הָ לַ כ – a beautiful and graceful kallah.”
A Better Truth
You’re worried about the emes? So Beis Hillel says, “Never mind that.”
Never mind?! What did Beis Hillel mean ‘never mind’? Beis Shammai is making a good point.
The answer is Beis Hillel is telling us what is meant by truth. Beis Shammai says the truth has to hurt sometimes. Who cares what the emotions are? You have to say the truth. But Beis Hillel says if it hurts, it’s not the truth. Pay attention to that! If it hurts, it’s not true! Anything that you say that hurts people's feelings is not true. It's sheker. You must speak words that make people feel good.
And so, what’s emes? When you tell him that his kallah is beautiful. If you’re a lady in the women’s section, you tell the kallah, “Your chosson is a wonderful young man.” Even though she's not beautiful and he's not wonderful, you should say it anyhow.
That's the teaching of Beis Hillel. The words that Hakadosh Baruch Hu wants you to say, that’s emes. Otherwise, the man of ‘truth’ comes to a wedding and he looks at the kallah and he says, “That’s the kallah? I'm surprised you took her. She’s cross-eyed.” So he’s a straight man. But that straight man is not straight in the eyes of Hashem—he's crooked in the eyes of Hashem. You have to say, “She’s a beautiful kallah! A catch!”
The Crooked Tzaddik
You’re being crooked? Hakadosh Baruch Hu wants you to be crooked when it comes to doing good things. And that's a tremendous principle. When you say ̇∆מ¡‡ ה"ב ̃ה ל∆ׁ ̆ ֹמוָ ֹ̇חו, that the seal of Hashem, His trademark, is emes, so now you know emes doesn't mean truth. Emes means what Hakadosh Baruch Hu wants you to say.
I'll tell you a little story. A man I know got married and after a while he began to feel that this is not his basherta; whatever that means. Now, it could be a person feels that—it's probably nothing but foolishness, but he felt that. Only he made a greater foolishness than just feeling that. He told her! And he explained to me that he knows al pi psychology that it’s best to say what he feels. He knows. He's a frum man, by the way, but he's educated in the wrong way; he listened to the wrong people. The psychologists said you have to be open with your wife, open with your husband. Open hearted. You have to tell the truth to each other and not hide any secrets.
So I said to him, “That's sheker!” It's the opposite of the truth. He was saying a very great sheker. He could have said the opposite. “My wife, I am so happy I married you. You're the only one in the world for me.” That's how he should have said that. If he wanted to say anything, that's the way to talk.
Now you young fellows, pay attention. That's the way to talk to your wives. Your wife is the best wife. You have to learn what to say. רֹמ¿ׁ ̆ ָך∆ ̃י≈ח ̇∆ב∆כֹׁ ּ ̆ƒמ ָיךƒפ י≈ח¿ ̇ƒּפ – Even from your own wife you have to guard your mouth (Michah 7:5). You can't be honest with your wife. You have to say what Hakadosh Baruch Hu wants you to say. Only compliments! Compliment her.
The Lying Fool
There was a foolish man. His wife complained to me. A big shoteh. A nice man by the way but a shoteh. He told his wife, “You know, I see women on the street who are better looking than you are.” Vey iz mir, I thought. What a meshugene! A shoteh he is. First of all, it's not even true.
ו ָ̃ ּ ̇¿מƒי יםƒב ּ נו¿ ּ ‚ םƒיַמ – Stolen water is sweet (Mishlei 9:17). It’s only because it's somebody else's wife, that's why it looks good to him. Just because it's forbidden, that’s all. His wife walks in the street, and other people say that she's beautiful. So it’s sheker!
And even if it was true, should he tell his wife such words?! That’s not emes. And not only is he a shakran, but he's a rotzeach too! He's a nice man, by the way, a very fine man. Frum and everything else. But he's a frum meshugene! Why? He didn't learn. He never learned the sugya of emes. You have to learn what to say.
And so when you come home from work and you see that your wife is tired from a long day with the children and with the home—she’s wiped out—so you say, “Oh, you’re beautiful tonight.” That’s emes. You’re getting Olam Haba for that.
Or if she gives you a supper—it’s not really a supper; it’s not even leftovers from last night. It’s a cold piece of fish from last week, and you expected a hot piece of chicken. So you tell her, “It’s exactly what I needed tonight. I was full from lunch and this is perfect.”
A Life of Deception
Keep on deceiving her! If you can deceive your wife for the next seventy years into thinking that you’re a nice fellow, then deceive her. You do whatever you can to make her think that you’re a gem of a person. You’re not, but you learned what emes means, and so she thinks you are.
And don’t worry that you’re deceiving her. When it comes to the Next World, she’ll say, “Oh, he was such a wonderful husband.”
So they’ll say, “He wasn’t such a fine fellow.”
And she’ll say, “No! He was wonderful! I can testify that he was a wonderful husband!”
And Hashem will take her word for it. Hashem will say, “I’ll take your word for it.”
By the way, you’ll deceive yourself too. Little by little, you’ll become good. You’ll get into the habit of speaking nice words, words of chessed. You’ll speak well about your wife’s brothers and sisters too. You’ll speak well of her father and mother. You’ll deceive not only your wife, but you’ll deceive yourself into being a good person too.
Truthful With Everyone
Not only your wife. With everyone you have to be that way. With a spouse it’s more important
