A Time for Reconciliation
The Midrash (Yalkut Shimoni, Tehillim Ch. 888) teaches us, "The pasuk in Tehillim (139:16) says, בהם אחד ולו יוצרו ימים, though they will be fashioned through many days, to Him they are all one; this 'one' special day refers to the holy day of Shabbos, as it says לקדשו השבת יום את זכור. How is this? A person does his work during the six weekdays, and he rests on the Seventh Day. He reconciles with his children and with the members of his household."
From here we learn that—in addition to being a day of holiness and elevation between man and his Creator—an essential aspect of Shabbos Kodesh is to reconcile with one's family, so that there will be closeness and love between them. This must be the avodah of Shabbos Kodesh.
A Joyful Countenance
Among ehrliche Yidden, yirei Shamayim, we have always seen an ability to have their innate elevation, seriousness, and yiras Shamayim go hand-in-hand with a joyful façade, greeting each person with a smile. They were never sour as a result of their seriousness in avodas Hashem—as the Chovos HaLevavos says, "The chassid hides his worry in his heart, and his joy is etched on his face."
Just as the chassid doesn't allow his worry and mourning over the Churban Beis HaMikdash to color his interactions with others—he maintains a joyful countenance—so too, when it comes to serious matters of avodas Hashem, of deep thought and meditation (such as the holiness and the closeness to Hashem that are unique to Shabbos), the chassid fulfills the exhortation of ברעדה וגילו, rejoice when there is trembling (Tehillim 2:11).
This is especially important for us as we seek to imbue the kedushah of Shabbos into our children. There is no better vehicle for this than the exalted seudos of Shabbos, and the more one is close and loving to his children, the more he will succeed in the task of conveying and transmitting to them the holiness and the aura of Shabbos Kodesh. Thus, together with any madreigos a person may experience on Shabbos, joy and love are essential as well.
Holiness Isn't Acquired by Force
The Ohr HaChaim HaKadosh (Parashas Emor) explains that kedushah isn't something that can be acquired by force. And we learn from here that when we seek to instill kedushah or appreciation for matters of holiness into our children, it is not accomplished by force or pressure. It works differently: When a person is in an elevated state, he is able to accept kedushah, and it remains with him for the long term.
Furthermore, Rebbe Pinchas of Koretz said that when a person lashes out at his children, when he expresses anger as he corrects their behaviors, when he threatens to punish them for not behaving properly, a spirit of tumah rests upon him, and when he is mechanech his children from a place of anger and tumah, he transmits the tumah to his children—accomplishing the complete opposite of what he intended!
One who wishes to imbue kedushah into his children at the seudos Shabbos must do so from a place of joy and an elevated spirit.
"Playing With the Children"
To understand this a bit deeper, we bring the words of the Gemara (Nedarim 37a), which teach us that one may not learn new material with one's children over Shabbos; rather they should review what they learned during the week. The reason is "so that the fathers should have time to play with the children."
The Ran explains: If they review only what they have already learned, it will be easier for them, and this will free the fathers to play with their children.
The Difficulty in New Learning Causes Pressure
Let us try to analyze and understand this Gemara.
In general, when a person learns something new, his brain must work harder, because it now needs to grasp new concepts. It is only after he has internalized these new ideas and reviews what he has learned that everything flows much more easily. But when learning something for the first time, it is very unfamiliar, and it is difficult to grasp. We know the rule that קשות ההתחלות כל, all beginnings are difficult. And this is because of the unfamiliarity therein.
And difficulty leads to tension and pressure.
We can all visualize how it looks in a home in which the parents want the children to sit perfectly still at the table, "as is befitting a seudas Shabbos." No one should grab and no one should fight and no one should complain....
Or... a person heard that the time of Kiddush is a time of great holiness, a time when we attest and bear witness to the creation of Heaven and earth. He wants this belief in Hashem's Sovereignty to seep into the hearts of his children... and he also heard that it's very nice when the children look into the siddur and follow along. And thus, he becomes very upset when the children don't go along with this practice.
New or Old?
Let us ask ourselves: This person who yells at his children to sit properly... is he teaching them "new material or old ...."? Is he conveying something easy or pressured? On Shabbos, events must flow nicely—as we have learned above.
A father may ask, "When, if not now, should I teach him? On Tuesday?! On Shabbos we make Kiddush, and I must be mechanech him." This
