Question: When I got married I wanted a Chassidic home just like my Rabbi and Rebbetzin. Now, after nine years of marriage, my dream feels far from reality. My husband doesn't share the same vision. I want to learn together on Motzei Shabbat, but he wants to watch a movie. We fight a lot. It's not good.
Answer: There are many factors that contribute to a Chassidic home, but without the foundation of a close and caring marriage, it will be difficult to create that environment. Given you’ve been married for nine years and the frustration continues to grow, it may be time to consider a new approach. Sometimes, we need to think outside the box.
Chassidus explains that a woman’s nature is to be the receiver (mekabel) while a man is the giver (mashpia). Receiving from someone else requires trust, selflessness (bitul), and patience—and it can sometimes be harder than giving. However, when a wife receives, supports, and accepts her husband, she allows him to access his deeper strengths and hidden potentials. Her receiving is an act of giving.
If your husband wants to watch a movie with you on Motzei Shabbat, watch it with him. While it may not seem like it will directly help build a Chassidic home, sometimes meeting your husband where he is—by participating in something he enjoys—creates a deeper emotional connection. It's through these moments of shared experience that trust and acceptance grow, which help build a warm, loving, and ultimately Chassidic home.
Building a Chassidic home isn’t just about ritual or structure; it involves fostering an environment of love, understanding, and mutual respect. By showing your husband that you are willing to accept him as he is, even in moments that may not align perfectly with your vision, you encourage him to be more open to your shared goals in the future. Just as a wife needs to feel accepted, a husband also needs to feel his wife’s acceptance. When a husband feels judged, his defenses go up, he feels the need to protect his ego and he may withdraw. But when he feels accepted and loved, he can let down his guard and allow you into his life. That’s when positive change can occur. You can achieve your vision, but it takes a woman’s wisdom to make it reality.
Aharon Schmidt, marriage & individual coaching, [email protected]
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