Questions To Rabbi Mandel
Lack of Motivation and Self-Consciousness
Question: Dear R Mandel, I am not coping at all with the situation with one of my sons. He is a very sweet boy, very sensitive, but completely unmotivated to do anything. He came back from Yeshiva, and spent two years in Eretz Yisroel. The first year he did okay, but the second year he got very down. He has a condition where he sweats very much, and he is very self-conscious. I have taken him to a consultant, who recommended various things to alleviate his condition, which have not worked. I am unsure if this is partly psychological, but he finds it very hard to be in a group, and is very self-conscious.
In the past, we had a reasonable relationship. But now, I am finding it very hard to cope, when he stays in bed till dinnertime, does not daven, and does not do anything, really, besides that he goes out for a bike ride, and comes back in and goes to his room. Sometimes I suggest to him, maybe you should try and do some work, or anything to motivate yourself; but the conversation is usually detrimental. I just don't know how to deal with the situation. Our relationship is suffering (probably due to me), but I don’t know what to do. I don't want to lose him. I don’t feel like I have the Kelim to help him; probably because I was brought up without much love, and lots of expectations. He always says that he wants to achieve, but never manages to achieve his goals.
As I said, I feel I am losing him. If you can give me any advice, it would be very much appreciated.
Answer: Try to coach your son to do things that he can accomplish, without getting into contact with others, such as jobs that have to do with using a phone, and the such. This way, he will be able to motivate himself, while keeping away from uncomfortable situations. With time, his whole body may calm down, and things will improve. But as of now, he is in the mud, and the world isn’t bowing to him. He doesn't like the world. So if in a quiet way he can accomplish things, like being an accountant, or jobs he can do remotely, that will make him feel great; so he shouldn’t waste away. Then he will feel good about himself, and he will improve, with Hashem’s help.
You can submit your questions to Rabbi Mandel by emailing them to [email protected]
