Question
Dear Rabbi Gruen,
I would like to ask your advice regarding my son, who is a very sensitive and fragile child. He has a hard time in cheider. Following your advice, we give him a lot of love and encouragement to make sure that he knows that we love him and care about him and understand him. He’s making nice progress and trying hard, but he’s still struggling.
Now PTA is coming up and my son has been trying to persuade me not to go. He says it’s a waste of time because he knows the rebbi will only have bad things to say about him and in any case, what the rebbi says depends on his mood at the time.
My question is whether I should give in to my son and not go, in order to show him how much I care about his feelings? (The rebbi is also new and doesn’t have much experience so I don’t know what he could add to what I know already.) I could then call the rebbi on the phone instead. Or perhaps it’s important for my son to know that he can’t control what I do?
Thank you for your advice.
Answer
The parent, in the above situation regarding attending the PTA, should certainly take the time to listen to his son’s concerns and tell him that he understands why he’s worried. He should validate the concerns and show that he really understands his son and isn’t trivializing his worries. He can then add, “I still feel that the right thing for me to do is attend the PTA and hear what your rebbi has to say.”
The next step is the most important: After reassuring his son that he loves him and thinks he’s great, he adds, “If your rebbi does say anything negative about you, don’t worry. I’ll be there to tell him what a great boy you are, how hard you’re trying, and how much progress you’ve already made.”
To summarize: While a parent should not give in to his child’s demands, he should certainly address the underlying concerns and show his child that he takes his feelings seriously. There’s no reason to make this more challenging or personal than that.
