Question: Thank you Rabbi Mandel for taking the time to answer everyone's questions, I really gain a lot from it. Here’s my question. Whenever something bothers me about my husband, the first thing where it affects me is emotional eating. I eat a lot, and then I'm even more resentful to my husband, because he's the cause of my gaining weight. What can I do?
Answer: The first Yesod is that "You can't blame anyone for anything in this world”. Mature people don’t blame. I know someone who was in court right here in Lakewood. A lady had yelled at him for something, and his blood pressure rose... so he came to court to blame her for the blood pressure. I don't think that lady is responsible for his blood pressure; he is responsible for learning how to cope with life. In Novardok, the mentality was that it’s all me and no one else; people are just a test from Hashem.
When a person gets you nervous, you are being tested to see if you will get angry or not. I have a crash course on learning how not to get angry. Here it is. You pick one minute of the day. During that minute, you will not get angry, no matter what. You do this for for 30 days. Then you learn how to be happy. But people should never blame others for their own problems.
When you realize that it’s only a message from Shamayim, you become happier. Like the Shevotim said when they got into trouble with the harsh ruler of Mitzrayim: מַ ה זֹּאת עָשָ ה אֱלֹק ים לָנוּ מקץ מב כח “Why has Hashem done this to us?” The greatness of the Shevotim (and actually one of the only things the Torah says about them) is that they did not blame people, they saw it as all from Hashem. This is what earned Dovid HaMelech to become the fourth Regel of the Merkava, because he didn’t blame people. We see how important it is to recognize that everything is from Hashem. This Yesod is so vital for Yiddishkeit, and stands out as the number one message: Look at people as nothing more than messengers.
Everyone has people testing them. I know a couple that had no children for many years, and their Shalom Bayis wasn't good either. The minute they both tried to improve on their Shalom Bayis and realize that it’s all Hashem, they had a child. They learned how to see Hashem through their spouse. Adam HaRishon blamed Chava, and he got punished for it. Blaming means that you don't appreciate the test that Hashem has given you to make you a great person.
Now, the Yetzer Hara likes to blow things up, and say: "Oh my, you are eating too much because of emotional eating!" But you have to counter that, and say: "What’s wrong with eating a little too much? Nothing will happen!” Play down these things, and don’t get too worried about them.
