Educators today are always telling us to go soft on the new generation, that people today are fragile and delicate and so we have to speak gently with them. We are cautioned to never rebuke too harshly, or it may backfire. We are encouraged to sugar-coat our criticism with praise and love. It might seem like a new phenomenon, a necessity for a weak generation. However, this concept is not new at all.
The parsha opens up with 6:2 “Vayidaber Elokim el Moshe vayomer eilav ani Hashem” “Hashem spoke to Moshe and said to him, I am Hashem.” We know the word “vayidaber” is a harsh language and the word “vayomer” is a soft language. Why do we find both types of languages in the same pasuk? Did Hashem speak to Moshe Rabeinu harshly or softly?
We know that Hashem was upset at Moshe Rabeinu for saying “Why have you harmed this people?” This pasuk was rebuke for Moshe Rabeinu. Rav Yitzchak Zilberstein writes in his sefer Aleinu L’shabeach that the Torah is teaching us in this pasuk how to rebuke someone when necessary. Rebuke had to be given, which is hinted in the word “vayidaber”, a harsh language, but at the same time, it must be done in a gentle manner, represented by the word “vayomer”, a soft language. That’s the only way rebuke will be effective; it must be given over in a soft and gentle way. That’s the message of having both “vayidaber” and “vayomer” in the pasuk.
In Parshas Vayetzei 29:4 Yaakov saw the shepherds sitting around and asked, “My brothers, where are you from?”... and then told them “the day is yet long, now is not the time to take in the animals...” It’s interesting to note that the shepherds didn’t say “It’s not your business”. Here was a total stranger telling them what to do, and it seems they accepted his words. Why? Says the Ponovezher Rav, it’s because Yaakov Avinu prefaced his words with “My brothers”. By speaking to the shepherds with warmth, they felt that Yaakov really cared about them and that’s why they listened and accepted what he had to say. The rule is that when you give rebuke, it’s not what you say, but how you say it. That makes all the difference.
Rav Zilberstein shares a personal story that happened. He once got into a taxi and sat down next to the driver. The driver had tattoos and many piercings and he noticed that Rav Zilberstein looked very uncomfortable. The driver told him, “Don’t judge a book by its cover”. He then unbuttoned his shirt and showed that he was wearing tzitzis. Rav Zilberstein was very surprised and the driver explained, “I am in the process of becoming a baal teshuvah. Right now it’s hard for me to part from my tattoos and piercings, but Iy”h I will get there”. Then the driver told him the story of how he began his journey of return. One day, he drove a rebbe to Bnei Brak and when they arrived, the rebbe told him to come into his house and eat something. But then he said something else – he said that the driver shouldn’t turn off the meter. The driver wanted to turn off the meter, but the rebbe didn’t let. He led the driver into his house, gave him to eat and drink, and then said, “Come, let’s put on tefillin – and it’s all on me. Keep the meter running”. The driver told Rav Zilberstein, “I was so touched by this Rebbe that I said, “If there are Jews like this in the world, I have to join them”. And when he paid me, he didn’t just pay what it said on the meter, but he gave a tip as well”. It was this rebbe that inspired the taxi driver to turn his life around and return to Hashem. How much extra did that “rebbe” end up paying the taxi driver? Maybe twenty-five dollars? Perhaps a bit more? But those few extra dollars pushed an estranged Jew to reunite with his Father in Heaven. What a bargain!
There is a pasuk in Mishlei 9:8 that teaches us: “Do not rebuke a scoffer, lest he hate you, rebuke a wise man and he will love you”. The simple explanation of the pasuk is that you shouldn’t rebuke a person if you know he won’t listen to you – only rebuke a wise person who will accept the rebuke and appreciate it.
Says Rav Zilberstein, this pasuk is teaching us how to give rebuke. When you need to rebuke someone, never tell him that he is a “letz”, a scoffer. Rather, tell him that he is a “chochom”, a wise man. Tell him that such behavior doesn’t “pas” a person of his stature, that it’s unbecoming for such a wise, accomplished man to behave in such a manner. This way, you have a much greater chance of reaching the person and effecting change. Nobody likes to be criticized. You must rebuke with wisdom, building the person and motivating him to improve. The way to do it, as we see in this parsha, is by using soft, gentle words. Rebuke wisely.
