I’d like to start by acknowledging that my approach can perhaps sometimes be interpreted as unsympathetic and dismissive of people’s feelings. Empathy and validation are very important, but with time and space constraints, I often move quickly to practical steps to be taken. I understand that this can leave some people feeling misunderstood.
That said, there will always be times when people don’t enjoy hearing what I have to say, and my aim is not to please but to help. Often, people find themselves a rav whose shiurim they appreciate — until he says something that personally challenges them. It’s precisely at such times that what the rav has to say is important to heed. While many therapists are happy to take people’s money and do nothing more than let people vent and then tell them what a nebach they are, that’s not something I ever want to do. It may leave clients with a very temporary good feeling at being “such a victim” and “struggling in such terrible conditions” — but at the end of the day, they don’t necessarily gain much from that feeling. And sometimes it’s downright damaging.
Based on what you describe, you are certainly dealing with a very challenging situation. I’m hopeful that your purpose in writing to me was not simply to have me agree with you on that. I would be doing a disservice to you and to anyone reading this if I merely replied: “You’re right. Your husband sounds like a problem and has yet to earn your respect.” If anyone does turn to a rav or therapist for help in such a situation and their response is simply to validate their hard feelings and throw the ball into the other spouse’s court, they should immediately seek better advice. Furthermore, if you’re the rav or therapist being presented with such a situation and you can’t see a way forward, refer the struggling spouse to someone who does see a glimmer of hope and has some practical and helpful advice to offer. Not everyone is the right shaliach for every case.
You refer to the idea of a “surrendered wife” which is based on the book of that name. Interestingly, it has more recently been relabeled “The Empowered Wife,” as many objected to the idea that a wife should ever surrender. While I’m not one to recommend secular literature, it is true that the underlying concept of surrender is a Jewish concept. Furthermore, the book was specifically written for situations such as the one you describe, where the husband appears very difficult to deal with. People whose husbands have wonderful middos don’t usually need guidance on how to “surrender.”
Respecting one’s husband and deferring to him is basic to shalom bayis, and this applies also in marriages such as your own, though certainly you have a greater challenge in achieving this than do many other women.
You write that it’s not a matter of actions but of feelings, but this is where I feel the need to correct you. Respect is something we show and give, not necessarily something we feel. It’s actions, not putting on an act. You are not obligated to feel admiration for your husband but you are obligated to treat him with respect. This is similar to the mitzvah of kibbud av va’eim, where the halachah defines one’s behavior toward one’s parents and places far less emphasis on feelings of love or admiration for them.
Clearly I cannot assess from your letter whether you act respectfully toward your husband, whatever your feelings may be. However, it could be worth, just for a moment, setting aside your own feelings and trying to look at the situation through your husband’s eyes. Do you think he feels that you treat him with respect? Do you think he senses that you despise him, or look down on him? If that’s a possibility, how do you think that might affect his behavior toward you?
Even if you were the most disrespectful of wives, that would still not excuse your husband behaving abusively toward you. He, like you, is obligated to treat his spouse with respect, regardless. And it’s true that even if you become the most respectful of wives, there’s no guarantee that your husband will change in response. However, it is likely that some change will result, and that’s something that you can work with.
Often, people have misguided ideas on what it means to treat one’s spouse with respect. It doesn’t mean swallowing hurt feelings and putting a brave smile on your face when being mistreated. It does mean always speaking calmly and respectfully, even when pointing out things that need to be improved. It also means recognizing that while your spouse may need to make changes in one area, you have other areas where improvement is in order. Virtually every issue can be discussed, given the right time, wording, and tone of voice.
It's very rare to find a situation where one spouse genuinely tries to treat the other with respect and to properly raise issues that need addressing, with no results. Improvements take time to manifest themselves, however. Change is usually slow and a lot of patience is needed, along with encouragement.
You write that you sometimes feel like your husband’s mother, and this is something that can definitely end up happening when we don’t know how to communicate in a more productive way. It seems that what you’ve been doing until now is, essentially, treating your husband like a young child who needs to be taught how to behave and can’t figure things out for himself. When you perceive him that way, it’s only natural that you lose respect for him.
However, there is another way of perceiving him, and that’s as someone who, like you, has challenges in life that he is learning to face. Making changes is hard, and no one wants to be told, when making the effort to improve, “Well, finally you figured it out! What a shame I had to tell you so many times before you listened...”
People who become accustomed to being disparaged, even when they make an effort, are unlikely to want to continue making that effort when all it earns them is a sarcastic comment. Instead, admire your husband for being humble enough to accept the need to change and to accept it from his wife, no less, which isn’t easy. This way, you’re much more likely to make him want to keep moving in the right direction.
In fact, you mention that your husband does improve his behavior when you point things out to him. That’s something that needs to appear near the top of your list of things to admire. And it’s great that you have compiled such a list. Even though it hasn’t helped you so much to alter your feelings, just writing it and knowing there is something to write has probably made some kind of impact.
Now imagine yourself showing this list to someone who doesn’t know you or your husband. Without your hurt feelings getting in the way, how do you think that person would respond? Would they also have “close to zero respect” for your husband? Next time you take out your list, try to look at what you have written there with an objective gaze. Sometimes, taking yourself out of the picture for a moment allows a more honest perspective to emerge.
Looking at things objectively isn’t easy, of course. However, when it comes to what seems like an overlap between shalom bayis issues and problems with chinuch habanim, it’s vital to take a step back and compartmentalize. Certainly shalom bayis issues can contribute to chinuch issues if we aren’t careful, but the link isn’t as direct as many people believe.
In your situation, while it may seem that your children’s behavior is a copy of what they see in their father, things are rarely so simple. You need to address their behavior — together with your husband — as an issue in itself, not a result of how you or your husband behaves. And you do need to address their behavior. You can’t simply throw up your hands and say, “Well, of course they behave that way. After all, with such a father...”
Yes, parents are to a great degree responsible for their children’s behavior. However, determining exactly in which ways they are responsible is not easy and not always productive. Certainly blaming problems on the other spouse is not going to improve either the children’s behavior or the shalom bayis situation.
You write that you have been to therapy to learn how to accept your situation, and that you are no longer bitter about your marriage. I wonder whether your therapist has inadvertently guided you to very much the wrong sort of acceptance, the kind that is born of hopelessness and resentment at having a husband so different from the kind of spouse you wanted.
The kind of acceptance the Torah wants us to have is, by contrast, based on seeing one’s spouse as equal but different. Just as we accept our own flaws and try to improve, we can accept the flaws in our spouse and recognize and admire their efforts toward improvement. This isn’t an approach of “poor me the unhappy victim,” resigned to a life of suffering, but rather an acceptance that comes from understanding the other person’s nature and challenges, even when they are so diametrically opposed to our own. This becomes possible when we look at the situation through eyes of emunah and seek out the ways in which being put in this situation forces us to improve our middos and turn to Hashem for help and clarity.
And as I started off, I hope you have not found my response too direct and demanding. I know that people looking for help are seeking more than sympathy. The insights you have and the willingness you have displayed in asking for help will, be’ezras Hashem, enable you to turn things around and improve your relationship with your husband immeasurably, to the point that you and he will be able to see each other with genuine respect and appreciation.
