Paying a Price in Vain
Imagine a Yid who’s struggling to marry off his child. As the wedding day approaches, he has nothing with which to make the wedding, and he’s advised to go to a wealthy ba’al tzedakah to ask for his help. This Yid feels humiliated. He can’t bring himself to do this out of sheer shame... but he breaks his nature, and he goes. He stands at the door and forces himself to knock. He’s allowed inside, and he bares his soul to the gevir, explaining that he’s at his wits end... he has no recourse but to ask for his help.
When he finishes his recital, the man says to him, “I hear your story, and I do have money allocated for tzedakah. But tell me the truth... do you think I should be giving it to you, or to widows and orphans? Should I take the money that has been earmarked for them and give it to you?” In short, the gevir sends him home empty-handed and humiliated....
Now, if we were to ask this poor Yid, “If you had known the outcome, would you have approached the wealthy person?” Of course, the answer is one hundred percent no! He paid a bitter price for it—with no gain at all! His stomach turned over from embarrassment, and it took a toll on his health—but he was willing to do it if it meant financial relief. But for this outcome... of course, he would have never gone.
We Don’t Daven for Outcomes
Some people may feel this regarding their davening. They daven and daven, and they don’t see results. What was the point in getting up early to daven? Why did I concentrate so hard when I davened? Why did I spend so much money and time on getting to kivrei tzaddikim? Why did I recite Tehillim three times consecutively in its entirety? Why did I do all this if I wasn’t answered anyway?
But we tell this Yid: If your entire purpose in your tefillah was to achieve results... then we can sadly say that you wasted your time. You had a very clear goal with your davening, and that goal simply wasn’t achieved. Of course, we can never say that a tefillah goes to waste... but it’s a shame....
Davening Awakens the Spark of Faith
Proper davening is when we approach it with a feeling of: Halevai that through this tefillah I should recognize what only tefillah can help me internalize. I have come to the world to understand and appreciate this. Everything else is peripheral. Even the 613 mitzvos pale in comparison to the importance of our emunah and bitachon in Hashem—as the Zohar HaKadosh teaches, the mitzvos are only eitzos to attain faith and trust in Hashem!
This Yid understands that the entire reason he was sent these troubles and problems was so that he would recognize that he is powerless and helpless and utterly dependent on Hashem. This Yid doesn’t become upset or exasperated about his problem... he smiles when he thinks about how helpless he is. He speaks to the Ribbono shel Olam like a child speaks to his father—and this brings him to fulfilling the purpose of why he was given the problem in the first place.
Bowing with Humility
It’s not always easy to remember this and feel this attitude. But at least during davening, we should say to ourselves, “I don’t care what happens in the end; I am in the hands of a loving Father.” This brings him such a sweet taste of kirvas Elokim that it drowns out any concern for what will happen, and whether his problem will really be solved. After he davens, this Yid says, “Do you know what I have achieved through my davening? I davened to Hashem! I will remember this Shemoneh Esrei for the rest of life!” This Yid gives thanks during Modim for the dilemma that brought him to such closeness to Hashem. “Should I not thank Hashem for the problem He has given me?! This problem enabled me to daven—for once—with the brokenness and the humility that is appropriate when davening!”
