One Who Becomes Angry Suffers from Tzfardei’a
Regarding the plague of tzefardei’a, we are taught in the Midrash Tanchuma that one giant frog emerged from the water, and as the Egyptians struck the frog, it split into swarms and swarms of frogs that then spread out throughout the land.
When we analyze this, it seems difficult to understand. The men struck the frog and many smaller frogs came forth, they hit it again, and even more frogs came out...and yet they continued to strike it! Where is the sense it that?
Answers the Steipler Gaon: This is how it is when people become angry. They see that their outbursts don’t work, and yet they continue to erupt. If they were to remain silent, the entire episode would die down, but if they respond to the other person, the disagreement will continue to be ignited more and more... And so, logic says to stop, to remain silent until things die down. But the middah of anger says, “Will I be silent and not retort?!” And then he answers back, and the other person does the same... and their end is like the plague of the Tzfardei’a in Mitzrayim.
A Spirit of Foolishness
Now, let us ask... are people truly so foolish?! They see with their own eyes how things work. They know that by digging in, they’ll only make it worse. Why can’t they restrain themselves and do the right thing?!
For insight into this issue, let us take an example from daily life. A person is having a cup of coffee with a slice of cake. He’s consumed the cake, but there’s some coffee left in his cup—and so he takes another piece of cake. Now the coffee is done, but there’s some cake left. What does he do?! He makes himself another cup of coffee! And so it goes, round and round.
The idea is that when a person is engaged in a worldly, materialistic pursuit, he always says, another little bit and no more. This is always the way it is with food. He says, one more and that’s it. And it’s not only with food. When it comes to speech, it’s the same way. “I must tell him one more thing! It’s very important that he should hear this!”
This need is driven by ידי ועוצם כחי and other negative aspects within the person. And when he becomes awakened to this, he become aware not to allow that “one more time.” Because, if we give in that one more time, we will always want another and another.... Although at first it will be difficult to refrain, with time it will become easier.
With Eating Comes Appetite
It is a well-known fact that the appetite is stirred by eating; eating brings more appetite. As we see in Gemara and halachah, people eat appetizers and drink wine in order to stimulate their appetite. The pshat is this: When you’re not eating, everything is fine. The problem is when you start eating... that’s when the appetite is stimulated. It is this way in all areas of gashmiyus—and the truth is that it’s this way also in ruchniyus: When a person feels a spiritual pleasure once, he wants to come back to experience this pleasure again and again. This is a wonderful thing, and saves countless people from the abyss, R”l.
The problem is that it works this way in gashmiyus as well. Pleasure comes from a very deep place in the nefesh. Pleasure arouses in the person a feeling of mightiness and strength. This is why Chazal taught us “One who eats and drinks and then gets up to daven—about him it is said, גוך אחרי השלכת ואותי, and you have cast me behind your back..., which Chazal tell us to read as גאיך, your hubris that is, he has cast away Hash-; em because of his hubris. For one who engages in eating and drinking and pleasurable pursuits is engaged in hubris.
The same applies to a person who’s shouting and arguing. He feels the absolute need to have the last word. However, when a person closes his mouth, he saves the situation, and he benefits himself and others. Because when the argument dies down, he himself won’t need to respond. The desire is only strong when we’re in the heat of the situation. Once we have left it behind, it is weakened.
The Short-Long Way
Indeed, in our time, when it’s so easy to retort to people even if they’re located overseas, it is common that people will answer others in ways that they really didn’t mean to—and then they must spend time and energy apologizing and explaining and justifying.... Conversely, in the olden days, when people communicated by telegram and every word was counted (or even later, when every minute of a phone call was costly), they contemplated each word seven times before they said it, and in this way, they saved much time and aggravation.
And wonder of wonders; the technology that was meant to save us so much time and money, ends up costing so much more in the way of time and aggravation.
Guardrails
One method that is very beneficial for the nefesh of a person is when there are guardrails that prevent him from easily accessing things that aren’t good for him. For example, when a person is tempted to buy unhealthy fast food—but the takeout store is located atop a hill, and it’s very hot outside... this person is much less likely to make the trek for that food. If he can easily order it to be delivered to his doorstep, however, it’s another story; he’ll never stop.
The same applies to anger, and the same applies to dialogues with other people, and the same applies to the chinuch of our children. If there’s nothing stopping him, the person will go on and on—even if it makes no sense; like the Egyptians who senselessly hit the tzefardei’a. This person’s guf was aroused in a negative way, and now there’s no stopping him.
Closing the Door
Once the floodgates of a person are opened, extra shemirah is necessary to close the hatch immediately. A person must make barriers and parameters for himself whenever there’s a temptation, just as the door to the yeshivah dining room is closed after meals... and it will reopen only before the next meal.
When a person understands that his ability to close the door on temptation is what makes him a human... he will behave in the proper way regarding speech as well. “Now is not a time to talk.... Before davening we don’t discuss such things. There are designated times when I converse about things like this. Ahh... it’s very important?! I will designate time for it at 5:00 this afternoon....”
When a person functions in this way, he is able to control himself, and he measures his words so they are spoken with yishuv hada’as. The idea is that one can turn himself into a person who is able to open and close his mouth with control, and to filter what enters and leaves his lips.
A Better Way of Life
When we speak about the need to restrain ourselves and not retort viscerally, we aren’t speaking only about speech. And when we talk about anger, we aren’t talking only about anger. And we speak about excessive food consumption, we aren’t referring only to this. We are talking about a more elevated way of life, the results of which are seen across all areas of one’s being.
When a person lives his life by always giving in to his whims and urges—to his bodily desires—he loses the elevated image that makes him a human being. He retorts without thinking, he becomes angry about everything, and he eats without restraint. He also cannot hold back from constantly needing to consume news. He just checked the news two minutes ago, but now he must check it again... maybe something happened in the interim!
And as soon as he arouses his source of pleasure in This World to partake from its pleasures, it will bring on more and more desire for pleasure, and he will often do things that make no sense—just as the Egyptians did regarding the tzefardei’a.
Setting Limits
Chazal tell us regarding wine, “much brings on a desire for more, a little bit satisfies.” For when a person makes boundaries... he says, “This is how much I will take and no more,” he will become satisfied with less. But if he doesn’t make any parameters, but he drinks and drinks... .it will never be enough.
This is how it is with all pleasures. If a person doesn’t set boundaries and guardrails, he is dragged in deeper and deeper, until there’s no humanity left to him. Sometimes, a person must see how it looks in the behaviors of others in order to understand the severity of this. When a person sees how it looks to live a life without boundaries, he will understand that he must create parameters across all areas of his life so that he is more elevated, and he isn’t ruled by urges and instincts.
