The world of shidduchim is a world of its own, and those who inhabit it are often tempted to discuss their experiences with each other. But as this story illustrates, talking about dates can do great unintended damage, even to the friends you’re unloading to.
Twenty-seven years ago, Sarah was a 29-year-old professional, living in Manhattan with a group of apartment mates. All of them were “in the parshah.” As part of Sarah’s hishtadlus, she was learning shmiras haloshon with a group of friends, which had been recommended by Rebbetzin Kanievsky. A local rebbetzin with whom Sarah was close set her up with a boy who met her basic requirements – a sincerely frum professional.
From the first moment of the date, Reuven’s awkwardness was clear. All Sarah’s efforts to get a conversation going fell flat. An entire restaurant meal passed by in silence. Sarah felt that she had taken herself out to dinner; the other party was all but absent. When she got home, she put a smile on her face for her roommates and went to her room to collect herself.
Later that night, Sarah joined her friends for their daily shmiras haloshon lesson. She was reminded that even if negative information is 100 percent true, it may not be repeated. This, she knew, was a message from shamayim to her personal inbox. When she called the rebbetzin later that evening to report on the date, she said simply, “I don’t think Reuven is for me.”
A few months later, there was big excitement in Sarah’s apartment. Her apartment mate, Leah, was to be engaged that night. Sarah had sensed that something was up, but Leah had kept the details private. Now, to Sarah’s utter shock, she found out that the chassan was none other than Reuven. Sarah tried to digest this information. Her worst date had turned out to be Leah’s best.
Today, Sarah acknowledges the full power of the restraint she had exercised after her awful evening. Had she shared the details, Leah would most likely have turned down the shidduch. Twenty-seven years of marriage and the family that blossomed from it may never have come to be. With the merit of shmiras haloshon standing her in good stead, Sarah, too, found her bashert two years later.
Nothing was lost, and everything was gained, by keeping a date private.
Adapted from a story in Mishpacha Magazine.
