: (דברים ו, ה) ָ ך ֶ ד ֹ א ְ ל מ ָ כ ְ ב ּ ו
You shall love Hashem... in all your measures. (Devarim 6:5)
Whatever measure Hashem metes out to you, whether it is a measure of goodness or a measure of punishment. And so says David:
א ָ ר ְ ק ֶ ם ה' א ֵ ׁ ש ְ ב ּ א ו ָ צ ְ מ ֶ ן א ֹ גו ָ י ְ ה ו ָ ר ָ א וגו' צ ָ ּ ׂ ש ֶ ת א ֹ עו ּ ו ׁ ש ְ ס י ֹ ו ּ כ
–“I will raise up the cup of salvation... when I find trouble and grief, I will call the Name of Hashem.” (Rashi)
We see here that even in a time of distress, a person needs to thank Hashem with all his heart and bless Him with great joy. This is easier said than done. The question is how to reach such a madreigah that we can accept suffering lovingly and joyfully?
In truth, this is a topic that is above us. It is beyond our comprehension. But we will try to offer some eitzos how to reach a certain level of simchah in a time of distress.
When a person is in a crisis, is experiencing a tough time, it is very difficult for him to feel happy and be b’simchah. Even Avraham Avinu – who was called “a great man among the giants” and “Avraham My beloved” – when Hakadosh Baruch Hu commanded him to offer up his only son at the Akeidah, he was indeed exceedingly happy about the special mitzvah that had come his way. But at the same time, it says in the Midrash:
ֹ דו ָ ת י ֶ ם א ָ ה ָ ר ְ ב ַ ח א ַ ל ְ ׁ ש ִ ּ י ַ ו – “Avraham stretched forth his hand.” When he stretched forth his hand to take the knife, his eyes shed tears.
When Avraham Avinu lifted the knife, he was crying.
There are various ways to explain Avraham's tears. One is that he did not want to put himself in the state of an angel. He is a person, of flesh and blood, and when he is in distress, he cries.
It is very important to know that it is not a sin to cry. There is an expression in Yiddish: “It’s not an aveirah to cry with the Tehillim.” And in general, crying is not a sin. Many times a person bursts into tears, and this does not necessarily show a lack of bitachon. This is a normal, natural thing to do. We are permitted to be human beings. We don’t have to be angels.
The question is what should we actually do when we are distressed and hurting? Should we tell ourselves that we must be b'simchah? Should we repeat to ourselves the words of R. Akiva, ה ַ ל מ ּ ָ כ יד ִ ב ָ ב ע ַ ט ְ א ל ָ נ ָ מ ֲ ח ַ יד ר ִ ב ָ ע ּ ְ ד – “Whatever the Merciful One does, it is for the good”? If only we could reach this high madreigah.
In any case, we are able to keep in control of ourselves when we are in a challenging situation. And the most important thing when one is distressed is to know what not to do.
There are people who, when they are feeling irritated or are challenged, simply open the refrigerator and start to eat. Needless to say, this does not solve anything. But there is a worse reaction than that. A lot of people fill themselves up with nonsense and trivialities: they pick up a book or a magazine that they would normally not dare to read, and they read it from beginning to end. Or they go to a place that under normal circumstances they would not frequent.
All of this comes from losing control over oneself to a certain extent, in situations like this.
True, few are the tzaddikim who are in a constant state of simchah. But I think we can all ask of ourselves to remain in control of ourselves even during moments of crisis. This is a very important topic to talk about, so we can help ourselves in such situations.
There are different times in a person's life. Purim is not Pesach, and so forth. There are things that we might allow ourselves to be lax with during the course of the year, but on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur we make a chizuk. On the Yamim Noraim, we daven better.
We need to know, even if only intellectually, that when Hakadosh Baruch Hu brings troubles our way, it has a certain aspect of Yom Kippur. After all, Yom Kippur, too, is a time of hardship. ת ֶ ם א ֶ ית ּ ִ נ ִ ע ְ ו ם ֶ יכ ֵ ת ׁ ֹ ש ְ פ ַ נ – “And you shall afflict yourselves.” We fast and undergo other deprivations.
On Yom Kippur, we suffer. We are hungry, thirsty, tired. And yet, no one would lose control of himself, because everyone knows clearly how precious every moment of this holy day is. So even if things didn’t turn out as we had hoped, and we have to stay home with the children on Yom Kippur and can’t go to shul to daven, we don’t decide we might as well just lie down on the couch and read the newspaper. We appreciate the sanctity of the day.
It's the same when we find ourselves in a state of crisis, whether big or small. It could be a squabble with a neighbor, an argument in the home, or whatever. We need to realize, first of all, that this is a precious moment, and not ruin it. Even if I am the one at fault. Many times we feel, “I did this to my own self, I shouldn’t have opened my big mouth, I messed up.” And then we lose control.
It is very important to know how to keep control of ourselves and realize that these are precious moments. And even if we don’t understand this, at least we should restrain ourselves, and not to fall from the frying pan into the fire.
