In your case, you’ve already taken the first steps toward a more positive approach; you’re trying to support your siblings, and you’ve reached out for advice.
It seems that you’re aware of this already (based on what you’ve heard from me in the past), but it bears repeating for anyone reading who finds himself in a similar situation: This isn’t your issue. It is very common for children, especially adult children, to feel responsible for deficiencies in their parents’ relationship, but this feeling is misplaced and should be overcome.
Children are never guilty of the lack of shalom bayis in their parents’ home, regardless of how they behave. They’re also not responsible for (and generally incapable of) fixing their parents’ relationship in any way. What children in such situations need to do is learn to pity their parents, to see them as frail humans trying their best and yet being unsuccessful, for whatever reason.
Maybe your parents are too sensitive, or not sensitive enough. Maybe they had their own difficult pasts. Maybe they lack the necessary tools and knowledge for digging themselves out of the rut they have been living in for so many years. Whatever the reasons, children can usually find it within themselves to feel genuine compassion for their parents, especially after they leave home to build their own families, and see how much better things can be.
This doesn’t mean that your pain is any less, nor that you don’t have to work hard to overcome it. Along with the pain can come years of resentment and even anger at your parents for subjecting you to things that you wish no child would ever have to experience. Feeling pity and compassion is itself a powerful way to rid oneself of anger, especially as it helps you to realize that your parents neither wanted nor intended to hurt you or your siblings — they just felt, and feel, overwhelmed with emotions that they clearly don’t know how to manage.
