Question
Our daughter thought that a friend of hers would be a good shidduch for our son. She discussed it with my wife and after some investigation my wife agreed that it would be a good shidduch. My wife gave the idea to a shadchan and asked her to propose our son to the girl's parents and handle all subsequent matters. The shidduch was successful. I have two questions. One is whether we owe money to our daughter for bringing the idea to my wife's attention and also how much we owe to the shadchan since the idea of the shidduch and the one who proposed the girl for our son is our daughter and not the shadchan as it usually is.
Answer
The first point that should be clarified is the status of your daughter and the shadchan. Since you asked the shadchan to work for you, she is your employee, since a verbal agreement suffices in order to hire a worker who subsequently worked. If you had discussed prices with the shadchan, you would not have a question. Only since you did not settle on a salary in advance you have a question.
Whenever one neglects to discuss remuneration with his employee, remuneration is determined by custom if there is one. This point is mentioned by the Chafetz Chaim (Ahavas Chessed) who writes that one should always settle on his employee's pay before the employee begins work because otherwise the pay is determined by custom which often is difficult to determine. In the case of shidduchim, this is not such an issue because there are well-known customs in most places. However, what we do see from the Chafetz Chaim is that the amount you owe the shadchan is whatever is customary to pay for the type of work that your shadchan did.
Your daughter has a different status because you did not ask her to find a shidduch for your son, but rather she came to you with her idea. Whenever one who was not hired to work performs a job for someone, he has the status of a yoreid-an unhired worker. However, since the work that she did for you was desired by you the amount that she is entitled to is the same as the amount you would have to pay an employee. Therefore, the fact that she is a yoreid and not an employee is not relevant.
However, there still are two issues that must be examined before we can determine whether your daughter deserves anything. First, if it is not customary to pay close relatives like a daughter for helping with a shidduch then she is not entitled to be paid. Second, there is an issue of mechilo-forgiveness of a debt.
The first issue was already discussed hundreds of years ago by the Va'ad Ha'orotzos. They said that close relatives are not entitled to the usual amount that one pays a shadchan but to an amount that a dayan determines based on the contribution of the relative to the shidduch's success. The Derech Sicho (page 115) of Rav Chaim Kanievsky cites Rav Gedalia Nadel who understood that the Va'ad Ho'arotsos did not rule that one is obligated to pay a relative even a smaller amount, since generally relatives help with shidduchim because of their own interest e.g., your daughter probably likes your son and she herself wants to see him happily married. He maintains that they ruled that it is nonetheless proper and customary to pay something. However, many poskim including the Vayoshev Moshe (40, 6) – and that is the implication of the Chut Shoni (teshuvo 3) – maintain that relatives deserve the same pay as others if they expect to be paid.
Rav Chaim Kanievsky also recounted that there was a couple who had no children for a few years and they asked the Chazon Ish for advice. When the Chazon Ish asked if they had paid the shadchan, the husband said that his parents did not pay the shadchan because the shadchan was his brother. The Chazon Ish advised them to pay the shadchan.
However, there is a second reason why you may not have to pay your daughter. The reason is because even though the poskim (Ketsos 12, 1: Nesivos 12, 5) rule that if one has in mind to forego a debt the debt is not forgiven unless the holder of the debt verbally expresses his desire, nevertheless the Nesivos (ibid) rules that if one had in mind before he worked that he will work for free, he may not later ask for money since at the time that he worked he meant to do the work as a present.
There are many proofs for the ruling of the Nesivos including a ruling of the Terumas Hadeshen (res. 317) that if one gave his children meals for many years free of charge he may not later ask for payment if at the time that his children ate the meals, he intended to forego payment. Many poskim agree with the Nesivos and this is the accepted halacha (See e.g., Pischei Choshen (Sechirus 8 note 65)).
Therefore, if your daughter thought explicitly at the time that she proposed the shidduch to her mother that she would not ask to be paid as a shadchan, she may not ask to be paid for proposing the shidduch. However, if she did not think about being paid for shadchanus, even out of ignorance that she could ask for money, and did not mean to forego payment, she is still entitled to be paid for her proposal.
Concerning the shadchan's pay, again the determining factor is the custom. The custom is that the shadchan's pay is comprised of remuneration for three tasks known as maschil, emtso'ei and gomeir. The first is starting the shidduch by proposing the shidduch to the one who is handling the shidduch. The middle task is handling the shidduch, arranging meetings between the boy and girl and any other tasks that come up. The third is the one who finishes by arranging for the closure of the shidduch. The pay for each of these three jobs is the same. Therefore, one who performs one of these three tasks is entitled to a third of the total pay customarily paid to a shadchan who handles an entire shidduch.
In your situation, your daughter performed the first task which merits her one-third of the total. The shadchan performed the latter two tasks which entitle her to two-thirds.
Based on the above, sometimes your daughter will actually be entitled to her one-third and sometimes not. While there is an opinion (Halichos Yisroeil) that if your daughter is not entitled to her third, the money reverts to the one who performed the other tasks, the consensus opinion (See Mishpatei Yosher 1, page 303) is that the shadchan deserves pay only for what she did, which in your case is two-thirds.
In conclusion: You owe the shadchan two-thirds of what is customary to pay a shadchan who handles an entire shidduch. Your daughter may be entitled to one third, but if she was aware at the time when she informed your wife of her idea that she could earn money for it and intended not to accept pay, she is not entitled to her third. The implication of the story about the Chazon Ish is that in any case it is a good idea to pay her.
