Furthermore, you should not attempt to become their therapist. Even if one or both of your parents seems to want you to take up a position between them, don’t go there — it won’t end well. The best thing you can do after introducing any level of awareness is step back and suggest they speak with an objective third party.
Do be aware that in most situations, addressing a parent about their shalom bayis is not an option. What you can do is often limited to your own healing and hopefully that of your siblings too, though one must proceed with caution here. Supporting one another to heal is wonderful; supporting one another in a “Victims Anonymous” group is totally counterproductive, and unfortunately a trap that many fall into, even with the best of intentions.
It might be okay to vent sometimes, assuming that you’re being sensitive to the halachos of shemiras halashon, but even then you should keep your eye on the goal, which is healing rather than wallowing in shared misery. And if you and your siblings identify similar ways in which your family history plays out (such as speaking to a spouse in less-than-optimal ways), this should be a prompt to correct the wrong behavior and not to justify or excuse it.
Furthermore, getting together just to commiserate, even if you don’t justify the negative ways in which you act, is extremely problematic in terms of kibbud av va’eim given that there is usually no to’eles involved. When the focus is instead on healing, on finding ways to overcome learned patterns, on doing things differently in the future, support can be a wonderful thing.
