Humor
Burglar and the Parrot
A burglar breaks into a house. He starts shining his light around looking for valuables. Some nice things catch his eye, and as he reaches for them, he hears, “God is watching you.”
Startled, the burglar looks for the speaker. Seeing no one, he keeps putting things in his bag. Again, he hears, “God is watching you.”
This time, he sees a parrot. “Who are you?” the burglar asks.
“Moses,” the bird replied.
“Who the heck would name a bird Moses?” the man laughed.
“I dunno,” Moses answered, “I guess the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler King David.”
Israeli Fisherman and the Officer
An Israeli man named Itzik was returning home from a fishing trip at the Sea of Galilee. He was flying down the highway, going way too fast. He felt secure amongst a pack of cars, all traveling at the same speed. However, it wasn't long before he saw flashing lights in his review mirror and pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature, and was about to walk away when Itzik stopped him. "Officer, I know I was speeding," he started, "but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
The officer tilted his head and gestured at the fishing gear stowed on the passenger seat. "I see you like fishing," he said.
"Ummm, yes I do... so?" Itzik replied, confused.
The officer grinned as he turned to leave. "Ever catch ALL the fish?"
Barbershop Free Haircut
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.
After the man received the full treatment – shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. – he placed little Moishie in the chair. "I have to step out," said the man. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When little Moishie’s haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said Moishie. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
Benjamin and Rabbi Levy
Benjamin goes to see Rabbi Levy. "Rabbi," he says, "my life is in ruins. My Judith has left me and she's taken our children and our dog with her. She has also taken all my money and my car and as a result my business is in ruins. Please help me Rabbi, I don't know what to do."
After a few minutes thinking about the problem, Rabbi Levy replies, "Okay Benjamin, here is what you should do. Go home and open up your Bible to any page. Point randomly anywhere on that page and whatever it says, you must do. Do you understand?"
"Yes Rabbi," replies Benjamin, "I'll try."
So Benjamin goes home, takes his Bible from his bookcase, sits down with it, opens it to a random page, points and reads.
Six months later, Benjamin goes to see Rabbi Levy again. "Rabbi," he says, "since I saw you last, I've become a new man. I've remarried and become very successful in my business. I've even got a new dog and called it Levy after you. So I want to thank you Rabbi for the advice you gave me. It changed my life."
"If you don't mind me asking," says Rabbi Levy, "I've got a bad memory. What did I suggest you do that helped you so much?"
"Well Rabbi, you told me six months ago to open my Bible to any page, point, and to do what it says."
"So what did it say?" asks Rabbi Levy.
"Chapter 11," replies Benjamin.
